Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, “Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.” So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can’t speak English and have no frigging clue who their daddies are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My dogs get their first checks Friday.
Damn, this is a great country.
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician.
“Doctor,” the man said, “I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine.”
“Nonsense,” the doctor said. “Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.”
“It isn’t possible,” the man insisted. “This can’t be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.”
“Well,” said the doctor, “let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?”
The man seemed a bit ashamed. “I’ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.”
“Well, there you have it!” the doctor said confidently. “It’s rust.”
The Top 16 Lesser Known Paths to the Dark Side
16. “Mr. Lucas — can I show you the preliminary sketches for my ‘Cute Gungan’ character?”
15. Do tequila shots while watching the Home Shopping Network.
14. At only $3.99, that Yanni CD is just too cheap to pass up. I mean, that’s practically FREE, man.
13. Hide your evil corporate doings behind the smiling face of a cartoon mouse.
12. “Whitney and Bobby, I now pronounce you man and wife.”
11. On a dare, watch a muted “Gigli” while listening to William Hung’s latest album.
10. Try to pay for more than 10 power converters in the Tashi Station express lane.
9. You feel an other-worldly presence inspiring you as you introduce Paris Hilton to Kato Kaelin.
8. Puns.
7. Your senior thesis: “John Wilkes Booth: American Patriot.”
6. Return to your childhood for inspiration in choosing your post-Jedi name, “Darth Blankie.”
5. “An interest-free loan? Oh man, Mr. Gotti, you’re a life-saver!”
4. A seemingly innocent pairing of Martha Stewart bed linens with Christopher Lowell pillow shams.
3. Tentatively decide to approach Ted Nugent with your idea for curbing the neighborhood’s population of stray pets.
2. “I love your hair, Mr. Trump.”
1. Offer your services to Death Row Records as house grammarian.
A cat passed away after a long, happy life on a farm.
When she arrived at Heaven’s gates, God welcomed her and said, “You were a good cat. Anything you want — just ask.”
The cat thought for a moment and said, “Well… I always slept on cold, hard floors. I would love a big, soft pillow.”
“Say no more,” God replied.
POOF! The cat now had the fluffiest pillow she had ever seen.
A few days later, six mice were killed in a tragic accident and arrived at Heaven together.
God met them at the gates and asked what they would like.
The mice said, “All our lives we had to run from cats, dogs — even broomsticks! If we could have little roller skates, we’d never have to run again!”
God smiled…
POOF! Six happy mice skating around Heaven in style.
About a week later, God stopped by to check on the cat. She was curled up on her pillow, sleeping like royalty.
“Hello, my child,” God said softly. “How are you enjoying Heaven?”
The cat stretched, purred, and said, “Oh, it’s wonderful! The pillow is perfect… and those little ‘Meals on Wheels’ you keep sending over are delicious!”
Once again I’ve entered the annual tightest hat competition in our town.
This year I’m just hoping… that I can pull it off.
Garage sales: nature’s way of saying, “Here, let me pay you to throw this out for me.”
The young man was obsessed by the beautiful secretary in his office. He just had to kiss her and touch her body and…
One day, he plucked up the courage to speak to her. “I think you’re so gorgeous, if I paid you $250, would you come into the storeroom with me so that I can kiss you and rub my hands up and down your body?”
Now the girl liked money a lot, so she agreed and they disappeared into the storeroom. For the next 10 minutes, he showered her with kisses, unbuttoning her blouse and ravishing her breasts, but all the time, he kept murmuring, “I don’t know, I don’t know.”
Eventually, she asked, “Why do you keep saying ‘I don’t know’?”
“Well, I don’t know how I’m going to pay you.”
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.
Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.
So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal… some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”
Never going back to that doctor again… never.
A guy tells his buddy, “I’ve had enough of my wife. Today I told her that what she’s wearing isn’t appropriate for gardening.”
“What happened?” his buddy asks. “Did she listen?”
And the guy says, “Nope. She’s digging in her heels.”
