Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
A man was at the nursing home asking his father how the nursing home is doing. His father told him everyone treats him nice, the food is good, and every evening they get a warm glass of milk and a Viagra pill.
A man called his wife and said, “Hey darling, great news! My boss invited me on a week-long fishing trip out of town. Big chance for a promotion! Can you pack me enough clothes for the week, set out my rod and tackle box, and… don’t forget my new blue silk pajamas!”
His wife felt something wasn’t quite right, but being a good wife, she did everything he asked.
A week later he came home — tired, sunburned, but smiling.
She asked, “So, how was it? Did you catch anything?”
He grinned, “Oh yes! Plenty of salmon, some bluegill… even a swordfish! But hey — why didn’t you pack my blue silk pajamas?”
She smiled sweetly and said, “Oh, I did. They were in your fishing box.”
Four beer company CEOs walk into a bar.
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.
The other three look at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?”
The CEO of Guinness says, “Well, I figured if you three weren’t ordering beer, it would be rude if I did.”
The next Toy Story movie will include sex toys. They even wrote a new song for Andy’s mom:
You’ve got a friend IN ME.
Growing up, my mom would never hit me or my brother.
When I asked her why, she said, “Because your dad was better at it.”
Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.
He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, “Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“United!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it!”
A month later, Dave again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained Dave. “Not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful young stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They were overbooked too, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber. “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke to me.”
“What did he say?”
“He said, ‘Where’d you get this shitty haircut?’”
