Joke Type: bait and switch

Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Up to My Chin Should Do It

    A man goes to a dermatologist with a rare skin disease. The doctor says, “Try a milk bath.”

    So the guy goes to the grocery store and tells the dairy manager he needs enough milk to take a bath. The dairy guy asks, “You want that pasteurized?”

    “Nah,” the man replies. “Up to my chin should do it.”

  • In Hot Water With the Japanese Mafia

    A guy is sitting at the bar looking miserable. “What’s wrong?” asks the bartender.

    The guy says, “I got the words ‘jacuzzi’ and ‘yakuza’ mixed up.”

    “So?” asks the bartender.

    And the guy says, “Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.”

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  • Stuck It in Cider

    A man with an unshakeable erection asks for help from the pharmacist.

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    The lady who attends to him has never seen a problem this persistent and is unsure how to proceed. At first, she tried putting it in rubbing alcohol, but that didn’t help. Next up was mild citric acid, but that had no effect. She tried dipping it into everything from mineral oil to shampoo, but nothing would cure it.

    Finally, she had a bright idea and stuck it in cider.

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  • I Can Tell by the Voice

    A guy comes home completely drunk, and his wife is furious. “How much have you had to drink this time?” she says.

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    “Nothing,” mumbles the guy.

    “Listen to me, you liar!” she shouts. “It’s either me or the goddamn bar. Which is it?”

    And the guy says, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

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  • Ana o Machigaeta

    A businessman was both nervous and excited about an upcoming trip to Japan for a series of meetings at the home office. While there he would be playing golf with the president of the company.

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    The man was so nervous the night before leaving his Japanese wife… did what wives often do to calm their husband’s nerves before a big trip… Let’s just say that in the throes of marital passion her English often escaped her…

    That night she said, “Ana o machigaeta” in a particularly intense voice. Her husband thought, “Whoa! It must be going really well!”

    The next day he boarded his plane. The day after he was on the golf course with the company’s president. They got to about the 9th hole. The president hit a hole in one! The man, while trying to learn Japanese, wasn’t that confident yet… So remembering what his wife said the other night, he blurted out, “Ana o machigaeta!”

    The president turning to look at him, replied, “What you mean ‘wrong hole?’”

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  • Childhood Punishments, Adult Goals

    All of my childhood punishments have become my adult goals:
    Eating vegetables, staying home, taking a nap, going to bed early.

  • The Lie Detector Robot Is Now for Sale

    A dad bought a lie-detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

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    He decided to test it out at dinner.

    Dad asked his son, “What did you do this afternoon?”

    The son replied, “I did my homework.”

    SLAP!

    “Okay, okay,” the son said. “I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”

    Dad asked, “What movie?”

    “Toy Story.”

    SLAP!

    “Alright, alright,” the son admitted. “We were watching adult movies.”

    Dad snapped, “What?! At your age, I didn’t even know what those were!”

    SLAP!

    Mom burst out laughing and said, “Well, he certainly is your son!”

    SLAP!

    The robot is now for sale.

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  • Can I Have One of That Too

    A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

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    After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

    The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

    The Irishman, holding his drink tight, looked at the attendant and said, “Can I have one of that too.”

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  • Does It Take Time to Develop

    Are people born with a photographic memory?

    Or does it take time to develop?

  • Talking to a Fucking Wall

    A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

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    So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

    She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

    “Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?”

    “Morris Fishbein,” he replied.

    “Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”

    “For about 60 years.”

    “60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

    “I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.”

    “How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”

    “Like I’m talking to a fuckin’ wall.”

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