I saw a group of kids throwing Scrabble tiles at each other.
It’s all fun and games until someone loses an I.
Joke Type: bait and switch
Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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It’s Pronounced Quiche
When Trump was still infesting the White House the first time around, he and Mike Pence were having breakfast.
The waitress asked Pence what he wanted and he replied, “I’d like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit.”
“And what can I get for you, Mr. President?” asked the waitress.
Trump replied with his trademark lecherous leer, “How about a quickie this morning?”
“Mr. President!” the waitress exclaimed. “How rude!” And she stormed away.
Pence leaned over to Trump and whispered, “Mr. President, it’s pronounced quiche.”
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Came Out of the Closet This Morning
Someone told me my clothes were gay.
I said, “Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning.”
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I Thought She Was an American
At an isolated part of the beach at Cannes, a beautiful, young French girl threw herself into the sea. A young man off at a distance witnessed it and dashed into the water to save her. Unfortunately, he was too late. He brought the semi-nude body ashore and left it on the sand while he went to report the drowning. When he returned, he was horrified to discover a man making love to the corpse.
“Monsieur!” he exclaimed. “That woman is dead!”
“Sacré bleu!” exclaimed the man, jumping up. “I thought she was an American!”
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A Talking Pig
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read, “And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’”
The teacher paused, then asked the class, “And what do you think the man said?”
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly, “I think the man would have said, ‘Well, fuck me! A talking pig!’”
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Man Wanted for Robbery
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
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Ask the Auctioneer If They Were All With the Same Cow
A couple went to an agricultural show on a fine Sunday afternoon and were watching the bull auction.
The auctioneer announced, “A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 57 times last year.”
The wife nudged her husband and said, “See! That was more than once a week!”
The second bull was brought up and the auctioneer said, “Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.”
Again the wife nudged her husband. “Hey, that’s more than twice a week. What do you say to that?”
Her husband, getting really annoyed, still said nothing.
The third bull was brought up, and the auctioneer announced, “And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!”
The wife slapped her husband on the arm and shouted, “That’s once a day every day of the year! How about you?”
Her husband yelled back, “Sure, once a day! Great! But, ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!”
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The Secret Confessional
One day I was talking to an acquaintance at church. He brought up the “secret confessional.” I was confused, and explained I had no clue what he was talking about.
“Oh, well,” he explained, “you see, if you go to the Church’s basement to the confessional and say the secret code, the parish priest will stand up, leave the priest’s compartment, and walk away. Stay put. In a few minutes, you’ll hear a woman open the door to the priest’s compartment. She’ll come inside, then open a latch at about waist height revealing a hole between the two compartments. Then, she’ll put her mouth at the end of the hole and… well, you get the rest.”
“This is ridiculous! Why would a church ever allow that? How did you find out? Come to think of it, there’s no visibility between compartments — how do you know it’s a woman?”
“I mean… c’mon, it’s a church for crying out loud. They’re not gonna allow any gay stuff.”
I was pretty bemused by the interaction, and went straight to the Parish Priest.
“Father, I have to speak with you. I heard a horrible rumor about our church. Someone claims that, if you go to Confessional in the basement and say a secret code, you, Father, will leave the priest’s compartment. Next, a woman will enter soon after. She’ll then reveal a hole in the wall where she then, well, *services* the men, I suppose.”
The priest’s eyes grow wide. He starts, “How *DARE* you make such blasphemy in the house of the Lord. This is a Catholic church, good man. We uphold the word of God here. How dare you accuse a good Christian institution of such horrid depravity. To think, one could stoop so low as to insinuate that this fine Church could commit such sin; to think. Purely disgusting. I never in a hundred years would think someone could be so brazen as to accuse this church of allowing a woman into the Priest’s side of the confessional.”
