What did Mary Poppins like for dinner?
Soup or ahi frozen fish sticks, ex peas, all delicious.
Joke Type: bait and switch
Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Checking In at the Reception Desk in Hell
A man is checking in at the reception desk in Hell.
“Welcome!” says the Devil. “You’re in for an amazing time! First up, did you like a drink when you were on Earth?”
“I certainly did!” says the man.
“Great!” says the Devil. “We kick off the week on Monday with a gigantic piss-up. Beer, whisky, rum, brandy, gin, tequila, you name it, we’ve got it! You can’t get a hangover, and you certainly can’t kill your liver. You’re already dead!”
“Fantastic!” says the man. “What about Tuesday?”
“Tuesday? Just wait until you get to Tuesday! Do you like women?”
“I sure do,” says the man.
“Then Tuesday’s going to be great too! You’ll be at it all day long with the most amazing women you ever saw. They’re into all kinds of everything you can imagine, no matter how kinky. And you can’t catch any STIs either, not even herpes never mind syphilis! You’re already dead!”
“Then it’s Wednesday,” continues the Devil. “Ever do drugs on Earth? No? Want to give it a go? We’ve got all kinds of substances down here, and you can do them all. You’ll never OD or rot your brain. How could you? You’re already dead!”
“Great!” says the man. “And Thursdays?”
“Thursdays,” says the Devil, “is when we roll out the tobacco. Bit of a chill day after all the partying. Cigars, cigarettes, cheroots, you name it. Every kind of leaf that the Earth ever had, and you can stick it in your pipe and smoke it. And you can’t get lung cancer or even a nasty cough! You’re already dead!”
“Now, Fridays,” says the Devil. “Were you into that gay stuff on Earth? A bit of back-door action just to change it up? Maybe gobble on a big thick rod or two?”
“Oh no,” says the man, “I never liked the sound of that at all.”
The Devil sighs. “Oh well. I guess Fridays aren’t going to be much fun for you, then.”
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The Radar Detector and the Tail Light
A man is tired of getting speeding tickets, so he buys a radar detector.
He’s speeding down the highway and suddenly the patrol car pulls up behind him and pulls him over. Detector never went off.
Pissed, he realizes maybe he should have bought a better one. He spends a bit more money and gets one that claims to have superior radar detection technology. It costs more, but if it saves him a ticket, it’s worth it.
Sure enough, within a week, he’s on the highway and the blue and red lights come on. Another ticket.
He can’t afford another point on his license, so he goes out and buys the most expensive, most highly rated radar detector he can find.
Within days the police show up behind him again. He’s furious. He pulls the detector out of the dash, gets out of the car and smashes it to bits on the ground, and is jumping up and down on the pieces. He sees the officer, standing and watching him.
“WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT? WHY DON’T THESE POS DETECTORS WORK?”
Officer says, “Just wanted to let you know your left tail light is out.”
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Grandpa in the Hospital
A man goes to visit his grandpa in the hospital.
“How are you, grandpa?” he asks.
“Feeling fine,” says the old man.
“What’s the food like?”
“Terrific, wonderful menus.”
“And nursing?”
“Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you.”
“What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?”
“No problem at all — nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet… and that’s it. I go out like a light.”
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Sister in charge.
“What are you people doing?” he says. “I’m told you’re giving a 95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can’t be true?”
“Oh, yes,” replies the Sister. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.”
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The Search Party and the Well
Little Anne Patterson had been missing for three days now and things were looking grim.
The family lived on the edge of an old forest, made famous by its ability to cause even the most seasoned hiker to lose their way. There was something labyrinthian about that woodland.
Anne was told never to go out into the forest, but curiosity often proved stronger than her better judgment. She had ventured into the wood on more than one occasion, but in each of these instances, her father was able to get a hold of her before she got too far.
This time was different.
A search party had been assembled, combing the Patterson’s vast property.
In the days since her disappearance, the group had trudged through 10 square miles of wilderness. There was no sign of her until they came across one of her mittens. The second was found 50 feet to the west of the first.
So they continued west through the densest section of forest yet and eventually came to a clearing with an ancient well in the center.
A quiet fell among the party as they realized what had likely happened here.
After a few minutes of tense stasis, the lead detective on the investigation stepped forward to take a look down the well.
He put his hands on the cold, moldy brick that made up the well’s outer rim and peered over into the abyss.
He could see nothing.
“Anne?” he yelled down, hoping he would hear her voice in response. But the only reply was his own echo.
He turned around and faced Anne’s father, Greg.
“I yelled down the well to see if she’d reply, but there was no Anne, sir.”
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The Early Return and the Generous Man
A guy flies home a day early from a business trip. He takes a cab home, and then tells the cabby, “I think my wife is having an affair. I’ll give you an extra hundred bucks if you come in to be my witness.” The cabby agrees.
They sneak in, go up to the bedroom, and pull the covers off the bed. Sure enough, the guy’s wife is in bed banging another man.
The husband pulls out a gun and aims at the guy. Before he can shoot, the wife shouts, “Don’t do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the car I bought for you. He paid for our new boat. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!”
As the husband stands there in shock, the cabby asks, “What are you gonna do?”
And the husband says, “I’m gonna cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.”
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Perfect for Fixing a Hot Dog
Did you know that if your dog is running a fever, you’re supposed to give them ketchup?
Apparently it’s perfect for fixing a hot dog!
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The Two Kids in the Hospital
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”
The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”
The first kid says, “A circumcision.”
The second kid says, “Whoa, good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born… Couldn’t walk for a year.”
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Pillsbury Funerals Cremation Services
Nothing says lovin’ like something warm from the oven lol…. Woohoo
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Little Johnny at the Rodeo
Little Johnny went to his first rodeo with his mum and dad…
Dad went off to buy a beer, and little Johnny happened to spy the bull’s cock flopping around beneath his belly.
“Mummy, mummy! What’s that long thing beneath the bull’s belly!?” Johnny asks, pointing.
Embarrassed, his mum looks away and mutters, “Oh, don’t worry about that, Johnny. That’s nothing.”
Dad comes back and mum goes off to use the washroom.
Once mummy is gone, Little Johnny asks, “Daddy, what’s that long thing beneath the bull’s belly?”
“That’s the bull’s cock, son,” his dad answers. “He uses it to mount and make love to a cow.”
“But mummy said it was nothing!” Johnny replied.
Dad leans back with his hand behind his head and takes a sip of his beer.
“Son… I’ve spoiled that woman…”
