True fact:
Before the crowbar was invented…
…most crows drank at home.
Joke Type: bait and switch
Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Before the Crowbar Was Invented
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Words at the Funeral
A man asked a widow if he could say a word at her husband’s funeral.
“Certainly,” she replied.
He stood up and said, “Plethora.”
The widow smiled and said, “Thanks, that means a lot.”
Another man stood up and said, “Bargain.”
The widow replied, “Thanks, that means a great deal.”
Yet another stood up and said, “Earth.”
“Thanks,” she said. “That means the world.”
Another man stood and said, “Infinity.”
The widow smiled and replied, “Thanks, that means more than you can imagine.”
Yet another stood up and said, “Retirement.”
The widow said, “Thanks, my husband would have loved that.”
Finally, one man simply held up a sprig of Mentha spicata.
The widow smiled and said, “Thanks, that’s a lovely scent of mint.”
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Started to See a Little
I said to my wife, “I want to marry another woman.” Just to see her reaction.
On the first day, I saw nothing. Then on the second day, I still saw nothing. On the third day, I started to see a little with my left eye.
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If She Dies She Dies
A 95-year-old man went to see his doctor. He said, “Doc, I’m marrying a 25-year-old girl, and I need some Viagra for my wedding night.”
The doctor said, “I’ve got to warn you, as long as you’ve been celibate, that could prove to be fatal.”
The old man said, “Doc, if she dies, she dies.”
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Statistically Safe
An old man was celebrating his 100th birthday with his family.
One of them asked him if he had any worries about his health and future, and he replied:
“I have no worries at all! Statistically, very few people die between their 100th and 101st birthday!”
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More Than Six
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?
Well, I know it’s more than six because my basement is still dark.
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Four Deviants in a Bar
A sadist, zoophile, necrophile and masochist meet in a bar…
Sadist: “We should get ourselves a chicken and kill it!”
Zoophile: “We should get ourselves a chicken, have sex with it, and then kill it!”
Necrophile: “We should get ourselves a chicken, have sex with it, kill it, and then have sex with it again!”
Masochist: “BWAK BOK BOK BOK”
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She’s Intuit
I convinced my wife to do a sexy role play with me where we pretend to be financial corporations.
She’s Intuit.
