Joke Type: bait and switch

Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Nature’s Way of Saying

    Garage sales: nature’s way of saying, “Here, let me pay you to throw this out for me.”

  • I Don’t Know How I’m Going to Pay You

    The young man was obsessed by the beautiful secretary in his office. He just had to kiss her and touch her body and…

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    One day, he plucked up the courage to speak to her. “I think you’re so gorgeous, if I paid you $250, would you come into the storeroom with me so that I can kiss you and rub my hands up and down your body?”

    Now the girl liked money a lot, so she agreed and they disappeared into the storeroom. For the next 10 minutes, he showered her with kisses, unbuttoning her blouse and ravishing her breasts, but all the time, he kept murmuring, “I don’t know, I don’t know.”

    Eventually, she asked, “Why do you keep saying ‘I don’t know’?”

    “Well, I don’t know how I’m going to pay you.”

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  • The Glitter Washcloth

    I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.

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    Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

    So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

    I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

    I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.

    After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal… some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”

    I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

    She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”

    Never going back to that doctor again… never.

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  • Digging in Her Heels

    A guy tells his buddy, “I’ve had enough of my wife. Today I told her that what she’s wearing isn’t appropriate for gardening.”

    “What happened?” his buddy asks. “Did she listen?”

    And the guy says, “Nope. She’s digging in her heels.”

  • Until Someone Loses an I

    I saw a group of kids throwing Scrabble tiles at each other.

    It’s all fun and games until someone loses an I.

  • It’s Pronounced Quiche

    When Trump was still infesting the White House the first time around, he and Mike Pence were having breakfast.

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    The waitress asked Pence what he wanted and he replied, “I’d like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit.”

    “And what can I get for you, Mr. President?” asked the waitress.

    Trump replied with his trademark lecherous leer, “How about a quickie this morning?”

    “Mr. President!” the waitress exclaimed. “How rude!” And she stormed away.

    Pence leaned over to Trump and whispered, “Mr. President, it’s pronounced quiche.”

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  • Came Out of the Closet This Morning

    Someone told me my clothes were gay.

    I said, “Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning.”

  • I Thought She Was an American

    At an isolated part of the beach at Cannes, a beautiful, young French girl threw herself into the sea. A young man off at a distance witnessed it and dashed into the water to save her. Unfortunately, he was too late. He brought the semi-nude body ashore and left it on the sand while he went to report the drowning. When he returned, he was horrified to discover a man making love to the corpse.

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    “Monsieur!” he exclaimed. “That woman is dead!”

    “Sacré bleu!” exclaimed the man, jumping up. “I thought she was an American!”

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  • A Talking Pig

    A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

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    She read, “And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’”

    The teacher paused, then asked the class, “And what do you think the man said?”

    One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly, “I think the man would have said, ‘Well, fuck me! A talking pig!’”

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  • The Charity Shop Cleaners

    I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me $15.00. So I gave my suit to the charity shop next door.

    They cleaned and pressed it and put it in the window.

    I bought it for $4.50!

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