It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck last year.
But now I can look back and laugh.
Joke Type: bait and switch
Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Clarence Buys a Cheap Suit
Clarence goes downtown to buy an inexpensive, or rather, a cheap suit.
He goes into one store and every suit is $50 as is. The closest one to his size had the right leg 3 inches longer than the left one and the left jacket sleeve was three inches longer than the right.
The store owner commented, “You can’t expect much for $50. But here is what you do. As you walk around in the suit, hike up your right hip so the pant legs will look the same size. Do the same thing with your left shoulder and the sleeves will look OK.”
Clarence agrees and starts to walk to his car. As he does, he passes two ministers walking with one another.
After they pass, one of the ministers says to the other, “Wow, it must be difficult for him to walk around.”
“I know, but his suit fits perfectly.”
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Funny That You Ask
A prostitute approaches a guy. “Hey babe, do you want to have sex for $400?”
Guy: “Funny that you ask, I could use that money very well.”
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A Bird With Long Legs and a Tight Pussy
A guy walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat in tow. They take a seat and the man orders a round of drinks. The barman serves the guy but doesn’t say anything — just watches the guy with his ostrich and cat intently.
A small argument breaks out between the man and the cat, with the cat flatly refusing to buy a round. So the man relents and goes to the bar, and the barman, his curiosity piqued, asks, “Hey mate, what’s with the ostrich and the cat?”
The guy replies, “Well, I was walking down the street and I came across a magic lamp, so I gave it a rub and a genie appeared and granted me one wish.”
The barman, fascinated, listens intently as the guy continues his story: “So with my one wish, I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy.”
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Her Kids and I Are Shocked
I just found out my girlfriend isn’t a virgin.
Her kids and I are shocked.
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Prose and Cons
I started a poetry club in prison.
It had prose and cons.
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The Tinsel on His Helmet
My grandfather was highly decorated in World War Two.
In fact, many people believe it was the tinsel on his helmet that got him shot.
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Sick of Them Horsing Around
I told my kids to stop pretending to be farm animals.
I was getting sick of them horsing around.
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The Witch Doctor’s Second Opinion
A sailor on leave in the south Pacific finds that his whoring and carrying on has caught up with him and he’s come down with a horrible venereal disease of some kind. So, he consults the ship’s surgeon and is mortified when the doctor tells him that there’s nothing else for it — the organ must be amputated.
Desperate for an alternative, he tries consulting local doctors, nurses, medicine men — whoever he can find. Way out in the boonies, he consults a witch doctor on the problem and explains that he desperately wants to avoid the amputation.
The witch doctor looks at him with a frown and a sigh. “Those western doctors — all they know how to do is cut, cut, cut! There’s no need for that.”
“So, we don’t have to amputate!?”
“Not at all. Two… three more weeks and it’ll fall off on its own.”
