Joke Type: bait and switch

Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Global Warming Icebreaker

    If you are meeting a new group of people and don’t know what to talk about, try mentioning Global Warming.

    It’s a huge Icebreaker.

  • Shortening Robert to Dick

    My friend hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Robert.

  • Vasectomy Consultation Compliment

    The doctor walked in for my vasectomy consultation and said, “Now THIS is what I call a beautiful penis!”

    Then he zipped up his pants and asked me to undress for the exam.

  • Beating Around the Bush at the Brothel

    A man goes to a brothel where they line up 10 naked women for him to choose from at the cost of $1000. Nine are very unattractive to the man, but off to the side he sees the most beautiful young woman who also has the hairiest vagina he has ever seen, but was holding up a $500 sign that said no oral or penetration.

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    “What’s the deal with her?” the man asked, still intrigued.

    “With her you can only beat around the bush.”

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  • A Marine, a Boxer, and an MMA Fighter Walk Into a Texas Bar

    A young Marine, a boxer and an MMA fighter walk into a Texas bar.

    The devil dog walks up to the bartender and says “Bartender. How goes it? I’ll have 3 shots of Jack, 3 shots of Henny, 3 shots of bourb, 3 shots of your best rum, and 3 Harps.” The bartender’s eyebrows raise and his eyes widen in shock, and he goes “Look here fellas, now I know y’all are just wanting to have a good night, but I’m telling you now, I don’t want no trouble or rubberneckin’ in my bar once you crayons polish these dranks off.” The Marine looks bewildered at the bartender. Confused; genuinely confounded, and stares for a second before it clicks “Oh, these guys? No worries Bartender, they don’t drink.”

    That’s just the punchline. The real joke is believing a Marine could afford 12 shots, or count up to three.

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  • Two Medical Students Diagnose an Old Man Walking Stiff-Legged

    Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

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    He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

    One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”

    The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”

    Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”

    The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”

    The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”

    The old man said, “You thought — but you are wrong.”

    The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”

    The old man said, “You thought — but you are wrong.”

    So they asked him, “Well, old timer, what do you have?”

    The old man said, “I thought it was gas — but I was wrong, too!”

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  • The Rolls Royce Key Fob Trick

    Two guys are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, “Every time I see you in here you walk out with a different girl. What’s your secret?”

    The first guy replies, “It’s really easy. As soon as I walk into the bar, I casually toss my Rolls Royce keys onto the bar and the gals practically throw themselves at me.”

    The second says, “Wow, you’ve got a Rolls Royce?”

    The first guy replies, “No, I’m just as poor as you. I bought this Rolls Royce key fob on Amazon for $30 and the ladies are none the wiser.”

    So, the other guy goes on Amazon and buys the exact same key fob. He then goes to various bars with no luck whatsoever.

    A few weeks later, he runs into the guy again. He tells him, “Your key fob trick is bogus, I went to at least 20 bars, no lady looked at me twice, please take this bad luck charm off my hands.”

    The first guy says, “Maybe it would work better if you took off your bicycle helmet first!”

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  • Overnight Flight Lavatory

    A man and a woman are on board of the plane of an overnight flight.

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    “Looks like everyone’s asleep, let’s go…”

    Sound of footsteps.

    “There’s a free one right there. No one’s looking, you go in first.”

    “It’s a bit tight… let me sit down. Did you bring a condom? Put it on, quick!”

    Loud heavy breathing.

    “Oh, my god… it’s amazing.”

    A long, drawn-out sigh.

    A hissing sound over the intercom, followed by a voice: “This is the captain speaking. I am addressing the two passengers who have locked themselves in the rear lavatory. We know what you’re doing in there, and it is strictly prohibited by airline regulations. Ditch the cigarettes and take the condom off the smoke detector!”

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  • Priests at a Police Checkpoint

    Two priests are driving down the highway and they come across a police checkpoint. They roll the window down as the officer walks up to the car.

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    The officer leans into the car window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

    The priests look at each other for a moment then turn back to the officer and say, “We’ll do it.”

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  • Parents Find S&M Gear in Son’s Room

    A mother and father are digging through their son’s room looking for drugs. The father finds a box full of leather, chains, and S&M magazines.

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    Mother: Oh my god! What do we do?

    Father: Whatever you do, don’t fucking spank him.

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