My doctor said I could masturbate as much as I want…
That’s what he meant when he said I could have a stroke at any time, right?
Joke Type: bait and switch
Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Failed Sex Ed
Bobby and Jack got their report cards from school and found they failed sex ed…
Bobby told Jack, “I’m so angry, I want to kick Ms. Williams in the nuts!”
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The 30th Anniversary Dinner
A husband and wife are celebrating their 30th anniversary at a quiet romantic restaurant when a beautiful young woman walks up to their table, kisses the husband deeply on the lips, and says, “See you tomorrow, babe,” before strolling out.
The wife is absolutely furious. She slams her glass down and screams, “Who the fuck was that?!”
The husband calmly takes a sip of his wine and says, “Relax, honey. That’s my mistress.”
“Mistress?!” the wife shrieks. “That is it! I want a divorce, I’m taking the house, the kids, and half of everything you own!”
The husband shrugs. “Fine, if that’s what you want. But remember, if we divorce, that means no more shopping trips to Paris, no more summer villa in Tuscany, no more Infiniti in the driveway, and no more country club membership. The choice is yours.”
Just then, they look across the restaurant and see a mutual friend of theirs sitting with a stunning brunette.
The wife narrows her eyes and asks, “Isn’t that Richard over there? Who is he with?”
The husband nods. “Oh, that’s his mistress.”
The wife takes a long sip of her champagne, looks back at her husband, and says, “Well… I must say, ours is much prettier.”
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The Ex-Wife Tom Never Had
After a long courtship, Tom finally marries his longtime girlfriend. One day after the honeymoon, Tom is in the garage cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.
His wife comes out, watches Tom work for a few minutes, and says, “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.”
Tom gets this absolutely horrified look on his face, and his wife says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
Tom says, “I’m sorry. For a second there, you sounded exactly like my ex-wife.”
“Ex-wife!” she screams. “You never told me you were married before!”
And Tom says, “I wasn’t.”
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Little Johnny and the Word Fascinate
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating.’”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good, Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.’”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by him before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
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The Blonde and the Bet on the News
Jack walked into a sports bar late one evening and sat down next to a blonde woman watching the news.
The report was about a man standing on the edge of a tall building, about to jump.
The woman asked, “Do you think he’s going to jump?”
Jack replied, “I’m sure he will.”
“I’m sure he won’t,” she said.
Jack put down $30 and said, “You’re on.”
Just as she placed her money down, the man jumped and fell to his death.
The woman, upset, handed Jack her $30.
“Fair’s fair… here’s your money.”
Jack said, “I can’t take this. I saw the 5pm news earlier and I already knew he was going to jump.”
The blonde woman replied, “I saw it too. I just didn’t think he’d do it again.”
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Not a Single Piece of Straight Wood
Happy Pride Month to Home Depot!
There isn’t a single piece of straight wood in that place.
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Three Men Shopping for Christmas Presents
Three men in the city shopping for wives’ Christmas presents.
They agree on two presents each and to meet in the bar after a couple of hours so they can compare their haul. Later in the bar they get their gifts out…
First man: “I got my wife a necklace and a scarf, so if she doesn’t like the necklace, she can wear the scarf over it.”
Second man: “I got my wife a wrist watch and some long gloves, so if she doesn’t like the watch she can pull a glove over it.”
Third man: “I got my wife some perfume and a dildo, so if she doesn’t like the perfume she can go fuck herself.”
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I Think It’s Nuts
The instructor in my self-defense class said that the most effective place to kick a man is near his knees.
Personally, I think it’s nuts.
