Dark humor jokes, grim punchlines, and comedy from the questionable end of the emotional buffet from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
An old woman goes to the newspaper office after her husband died.
She says to the person at the front desk that she needs to get an obituary published for her husband.
She gets brought into an office and is asked what she wants the obituary to say.
The woman thinks and says, “Fred Smith died.”
The reporter looks at her and says, “Ma’am, you can have it say more than that if you want.”
So the little old lady thinks for a second and says, “Fred Smith died. Boat for sale.”
Two businessmen were walking down the street, when one of them spots a pile of dog shit on the ground.
Being bored, he tells the other guy, “Hey, if you eat that, I’ll give you $10k right now.”
Naturally, he plugs his nose and eats it. As promised, the first one pulls $10k out of his wallet and hands it over. It’s a big wallet, I guess.
A mile later, they spot another pile. This time, the second businessman tells the first, “$10k to eat that right now!”
Of course, the first one takes the deal. Easy money, right?
They continue walking, and after a moment, the first one says, “You know, it occurs to me we both just ate dog shit, and we’re not a penny richer.”
After a moment, the second one replies, “Yes, but we increased the GDP by $20k.”
Doc: I have bad news and really bad news… the bad news is your baby is just an ear… a 6-pound 5-ounce baby ear. No arms or legs or head… just an ear.
But that’s not the worst part…. He’s DEAF!
A baby is born but he doesn’t have a body.
He’s only a head. They called him Steven. Steven was a happy child and he lived as normal a life as you could under those circumstances. Finally when he reached 21 his dad said, “Come on son we’re going to have a drink to celebrate your birthday.”
He put the head on the counter and he ordered two pints of Guinness. He said cheers and he poured a sip into his son’s mouth. To everyone’s surprise, a neck and shoulders popped out like balloons. With tears of joy, the dad gave him another sip, and pop! Two arms came out of the shoulders! The dad gave him a third sip, and pop! He grew a torso! And he gave him a fourth sip and pop! He grew legs! They had to get out of there to get him some clothes because he never had any before. His dad helped him to the door because he was unsteady on his feet because they were new and because of the drink.
He stumbled into the street and got hit by a car, instantly killing him.
The bartender said, “Poor guy. He should have quit while he was a head.”
