Dialogue jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
A beautiful woman walks into a doctor’s office. The doctor tells her to take off her pants and starts rubbing her thighs. “Do you know what I am doing?”
“Yes, checking for abnormalities,” she replies.
He later starts having sex with her and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?”
She replies, “Yes, getting herpes. That’s why I am here!”
It was the mailman’s last day after 35 years on the same route. Every house gave him congratulations and gifts.
At the final house, a beautiful blonde led him upstairs for a passionate liaison, then made him a giant breakfast. He noticed a dollar bill under his coffee cup.
“What’s the dollar for?” he asked.
She said, “Last night, I asked my husband what to give you. He said, ‘Scr*w him… give him a dollar.’ But the breakfast was my idea.”
An employee asks his boss for a raise, explaining that four companies are after him.
The boss agrees to a ten percent raise and extra vacation time, then asks which companies are after him.
The employee replies, “The Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company, and the Mortgage Company!”
A car is swerving all over the road. It cuts across the centerline, whips back to the shoulder, and then back into its lane, until a cop pulls it over.
The driver is a blonde. She explains that she keeps seeing a tree in the road and has to swerve to avoid it.
She points ahead and says, “See, look, officer. There’s another tree in the road.”
The officer looks through the windshield and says, “Ma’am, that’s not a tree. That’s your air freshener.”
“I have two pieces of bad news,” the doctor says.
“What are they?”
“Well, the first piece of news is that you have cancer.”
“What’s the second piece of news?” he asks.
“Well, the second piece of bad news is that you have Alzheimer’s.”
The man laughs and says, “Well, at least I don’t have cancer.”
A guy just started at his new job, working at an adult shop. His boss comes out and tells him he has to leave for a while and asks, “Can you handle it?”
The new employee reluctantly agrees.
While he is alone, he sells a white dildo, a black dildo, and then a plaid one from the shelf for $165.
Finally, the guy’s boss returns and asks, “How did you do while I was gone?”
The salesman says, “I think I did good. I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!”
He says, “Gramps, can I have a puff?” Grandpa replies, “Can your dick touch your asshole?”
“No…”
“Well, you can’t have any.”
Later, the little boy sees his Grandpa drinking beer and asks, “Can I have a swig?” Grandpa replies again, “Can your dick touch your asshole?”
“No…”
“Well, you can’t have any.”
The boy goes into the kitchen and is eating cookies when his Grandpa walks in.
“Can I have a cookie?” asks Grandpa.
“Can your dick touch your asshole?”
Grandpa says, “As a matter of fact, it can!”
The little boy replies, “Well then, you can go fuck yourself. These are MY cookies.”
Woman: “Doc, I’m farting constantly! No smell and no sound. Since I came in, I must have farted at least 20 times. I bet you never noticed?”
Doctor: “I got it, I got it. I’ll write you a prescription for some medicine. Come back next week.”
A week later:
Woman: “Doc, what the hell did you give me? Now my farts are still silent, but they reek like hell!!”
Doctor: “Perfect! Your stuffy nose is all better. Now we just need to take care of your hard of hearing.”
Actual transcript of a U.S. naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
U.S. Ship: “Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.”
Canadians: “Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.”
U.S. Ship: “This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.”
Canadians: “No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.”
U.S. Ship: “THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE.”
Canadians: “This is a lighthouse. Your call.”
