Joke Type: dialogue

Dialogue jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Choosing A Wife

    A man has three girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

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    The first girlfriend went out and got herself a total makeover. She told him, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.”

    The second girlfriend went shopping and got the man new golf clubs, an iPad, and an 80-inch flat-screen TV. She said, “I got these gifts for you because I love you so much.”

    The third girlfriend took the $5,000, invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned the $5,000, and reinvested the rest. She said, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.”

    The man thought long and hard about how each of his girlfriends had spent the money, and then he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

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  • Two Nuns On A Country Road

    Late one night, two nuns were driving a minivan down a dark country road. All of a sudden, a dark shadow flew past the van. The nun driving said to the other nun, “Did you see that?!” “See what?!” “The shadow that flew past?”

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    They kept driving down the road when the same shadow flew past. “Did you see it that time?!” said the first nun.

    “I did, I did!” replied the second nun.

    They continued to drive down the road, frightened of what the shadow was when, all of a sudden, BANG! A vampire had landed on the hood of the minivan. “What should we do?” said the second nun.

    “Show him your cross!” replied the other nun.

    So the second nun gets out of the van, goes up to the vampire, and says, “GET OFF THE FUCKING HOOD!!”

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  • The Wi-Fi Password

    Me: “What’s the Wi-Fi password?”

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    My friend: “Blow me first.”

    Me: “Alright.”

    Later, me: “So… what’s the Wi-Fi password?”

    My friend: “blowmefirst, no caps, no spaces.”

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  • Take Your Kids To Work Day

    An eight-year-old girl went to the office with her dad on “Take Your Kids to Work Day.” As they were walking around, the little girl started crying and getting very cranky. Her father asked what was wrong with her.

    As the staff gathered around, she sobbed loudly, “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?”

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  • Three Men In A Soviet Bar

    Three men enter a bar in the USSR. One says, “Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?”

    The other says, “Because he was afraid of capitalism.”

    The whole bar died laughing.

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  • Three Men In A Soviet Bar

    Three men enter a bar in the USSR. One says, “Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?”

    The other one says, “Because he was afraid of capitalism.”

    The whole bar died laughing.

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  • Personal Space

    Yesterday, one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

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    It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.

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  • A Winery Job Interview

    At a winery, the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

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    A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

    The drunk tried it and said, “It’s a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”

    “That’s correct,” said the boss. Another glass…

    “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for the finest results.”

    “Correct.” A third glass… “It’s a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,” the drunk said calmly.

    The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.

    The alcoholic tried it. “It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don’t get the job, I’ll name the father.”

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  • The Assassin’s Rate

    So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

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    A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”

    “Yup.”

    “What if you miss?”

    He looks at the man, deadly serious. “I don’t miss…”

    “Okay, well, I’ve got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They’re at the motel together right now.”

    “Let’s go,” the assassin says.

    So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.

    “They’re in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off.”

    The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.

    “Well? What are you waiting for!?” the husband asks.

    “Hold on a minute,” said the assassin. “I think I can save you 10K.”

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  • A Thousand Dollars

    He asks, “Excuse me, can I bite your tits for a thousand dollars?”

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    She says, “Hell yea!” So they go to a secluded corner, and she opens her blouse. The man puts his face in her tits for nearly five minutes. Eventually, the lady asks, “Aren’t you gonna bite them?”

    He says, “Nah, it’s too expensive.”

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