Joke Type: dialogue

Dialogue jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • At Confession

    Girl: “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

    Priest: “What have you done, my child?”

    Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

    Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

    Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”

    Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)

    Girl: “Yes, Father.”

    Priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.”

    Girl: “Then he touched my breast.”

    Priest: “Like this?” (as he touched her breast)

    Girl: “Yes, Father.”

    Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”

    Girl: “Then he took off my clothes, Father.”

    Priest: “Like this?” (as he takes off her clothes)

    Girl: “Yes, Father.”

    Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”

    Girl: “Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.”

    Priest: “Like this?” (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

    Girl: “YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!”

    Priest: (after a few minutes) “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”

    Girl: “But Father, he had AIDS!”

    Priest: “THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!”

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  • A Visit To The Brothel

    A midget walks into a brothel with a honeycomb under his arm and a donkey following closely behind. He asks the headmistress for a woman for the evening, as his wife had left him.

    She says, “Sure thing, but I gotta ask, what’s with the honeycomb and the donkey?”

    He says, “Well, my wife found a genie’s lamp, and her first wish was a home fit for a queen, and she ended up with a honeycomb. Then she asked for the nicest ass ever, and so she got this very well-behaved donkey.”

    The mistress asks about the third wish, and the midget says she wished I had a dick that hung past my knee.

    She says, “Well, that doesn’t sound so bad.”

    “It wouldn’t be that bad except I used to be 6’3”!”

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  • The British Engineers

    Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard four-pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets, and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.

    The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

    British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

    When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer’s backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

    NASA responded with a one-line memo:

    “Defrost the chicken.”

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  • A Joke That Backfired

    It’s amazing how a joke can backfire.

    I was in a bar and told the following joke:

    “What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?

    Throw your clothes in so they get a wash.”

    Once the laughing of my friends had died down, I became aware of a man on the other side of the bar, crying and talking to the bartender.

    The bartender came over to me and told me that the gentleman at the bar had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him.

    I thought I should apologize.

    I approached the gentleman and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had offended him. He said that the joke had only got to him because his son was an epileptic, and it was a seizure that killed him.

    Ignorant as I am, I wondered how a seizure could actually kill someone. The man said that his son had choked, passed out, and hit his head, and that was what had killed him. I asked where this happened, and the man said it was in the bathtub. I realized then how inappropriate my joke seemed in the moment.

    “Did your son choke on his own tongue?” I asked.

    “No,” replied the man. “He choked on one of my socks!”

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  • A Round Of Golf

    Joe, Ed, and Bob are on the course playing a round when a funeral procession passes by. Joe stops what he’s doing, stands straight, removes his hat, and bows his head.

    Ed says, “Damn, I didn’t know Joe was so respectful of the dead!”

    Bob says, “Yeah, well, they would’ve been married 30 years next week.”

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  • Ten Years On The Island

    A man is stranded on an island for 10 years. He sees something in the distance coming his way. As it gets closer, he recognizes that it is a person in scuba gear swimming his way. When the person reaches the shore and stands up, he sees that it is a gorgeous woman.

    She asks him, “How long have you been here?”

    “10 years,” he says.

    She asks, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

    “10 years.”

    She unzips a little pocket and takes out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. She lights one up for him and hands it to him. As he takes a puff, she says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a shot of whiskey?”

    “10 years,” he says.

    She unzips another pocket, takes out a silver flask, and hands it to him. Then she asks, “How long has it been since you’ve played around?” and starts unzipping the front of her wetsuit.

    He gets very excited and says, “10 years. I can’t believe you have a set of clubs in there!”

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  • Joe And Ed At Work

    I was just starting work when two of my coworkers, Joe and Ed, walked in and were refusing to even look at each other. I asked Joe what the issue was, and he asked me if I’d wanna play golf with someone who cheats. I said no.

    Then Joe asked me if I’d wanna play golf with someone who throws their ball out of the sand trap and claims they hit it. I said no again.

    Joe asked me if I’d wanna play golf with someone who changes their scores when no one was looking. I got mad and said, “No! I wouldn’t at all.”

    Then Joe looked meek and said, “Yeah, well, neither does Ed…”

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  • The Impossible Golf Ball

    A friend of mine came up to me at the golf course with a ball that he said was impossible to lose. I asked him to explain.

    “Well,” explained my friend, “it has a chip in it, so if you lose it, you can find it with your phone. If you hit it in the water, it floats up to the surface and can get to the side using a tiny engine inside the ball.”

    “Wow, that’s amazing! Where did you get this ball?”

    “Found it!”

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  • A Lucky Night At The Bar

    I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

    We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double. ‘What’s that?’ I asked. ‘It’s a mother-and-daughter threesome,’ she said.

    As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, ‘No, I haven’t.’

    We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, ‘Tonight’s your lucky night.’ We went back to her place.

    We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, ‘Mom… you still awake?’

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  • A Third Opinion

    A woman decides she wants to get a tattoo of Elvis on her inner thigh. She goes to a local parlor but is really dissatisfied with the resulting portrait. So, the guy goes ahead and tries again on her other thigh. Again, she’s not satisfied with the results.

    “Look, lady,” he says, “I’m sorry you’re not happy, but there’s nothing wrong with the art I did. You need to pay up.”

    “No way,” she says. “Neither of them look like the King of Rock and Roll. I’m not paying you a cent.”

    They bicker about it for a bit and decide to get a third opinion. The next guy who walks past the shop gets corralled in by the artist. The lady hikes up her skirt and says, “Okay, do you recognize those faces?”

    The guy takes a long look, then replies, “Well, I don’t know about those other dudes, but the guy in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!”

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