A man walks into a bar.
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
Unleash ChaosJoke Type: dialogue
Dialogue jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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My Best Friend In Bed
I came home and found my wife in bed with my best friend!
She was stroking him, and he was licking her!
I did what any red-blooded man would do under such circumstances.
I rolled up a newspaper, bopped him on the nose with it, and yelled:
“Bad dog! BAD dog!”
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Surely I don’t need an umbrella today
I asked my iPhone, “Surely I don’t need an umbrella today?”.
Siri replied “Yes, and don’t call me Shirley”.Apparently I had left Airplane mode on.
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Neighbor Can’t Sleep at 2am
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2am this morning and said, “I can’t sleep.”
“Well it’s your lucky day,” I said. “We’ve got a party going on in here, come in.”
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Push and Pull
On his deathbed, my grandfather said, “Remember these two words. They’ll open a lot of doors for you in life.”
“Push and Pull.”
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The Adult Toy Shop and the Checkered Thermos
The owner of an adult toy shop was training his new employee on the rules, how things worked, and the price list of their products.
“The only items without price tags are the dildos kept behind the cashier counter.
The white ones are $10, and the black ones are $25.
Everything else in the store already has the price marked on it.
Now, I’m heading out for a bit to take care of something important. I’ll be back in about an hour or two.”
Business went smoothly for an hour, until finally a customer asked about the items kept behind the counter.
“How much are those toys?”
“The white ones are $10, and the black ones are $25.”
“Oh, those are nice! How much is that one with the checkered pattern?”
Thinking quickly on his feet, the employee replied, “That one is $200.”
“SOLD! I’ll take it!”
An hour later, the owner returned and asked how business had been while he was gone.
“It was booming, Boss! I managed to sell five of the white ones and ten of the black ones. And I also got $200 for that checkered thermos of yours you had sitting back there!”
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Putin’s Driver and the Pig
Vladimir Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.
Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later, Putin sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of Horilka (Ukrainian vodka) in one hand, a cigar in the other, and his clothes all disheveled.
“What happened to you?” asked Putin.
“Well, the farmer gave me the Horilka, his wife gave me a box of cigars and their 19 year old and 21 year old daughters made mad passionate love to me simultaneously.”
“My God, what did you tell them?” asks Putin.
The driver replies, “I’m president Putin’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”
