Little Johnny was asked to use the word “obituary” in a sentence by the teacher…
So Johnny thought for a second and then said, “Oh bitch, you worry about me finishing my homework too much!”
Joke Type: misunderstanding
Misunderstanding jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
-
Confessions After the Ceremony
A man and a woman meet in a bar, fall madly in love, and decide to get married a week later.
After the ceremony, the man looks to his new bride, and says, “I have a confession to make. I am completely obsessed with golf. I eat, sleep, and breathe the game, it’s my obsession, and I hope you won’t hate me for it.”
The woman looks at her new husband and says, “Honey, I could never hate you. But, I also have a confession to make. I’m a hooker, and hope you won’t hate me for it, either.”
The man gets a rather tortured look on his face, rubs his chin, and after a few long moments says, “Ok, well, show me your stance.”
-
What to Do With All the Extra Tacos
My kids refused to eat leftover tacos for dinner, so my wife told me to just throw them out.
Now I don’t know what to do with all the extra tacos.
-
A Quiet Night in the Parking Spot
A cop was patrolling at night in a well known area for “parking.” He saw a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He got closer to the car and saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked over to the car and knocked on the window.
“Yes, officer?”
“What are you doing?”
“Well, isn’t it obvious? I’m reading a magazine.”
Pointing to the young woman, the cop asked, “And her, what is she doing?”
The young man shrugged, “I believe she’s knitting a pullover.”
The cop was totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and nothing obscene is happening!
“What’s your age, young man?”
“I’m 22, sir.”
“And her, what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and said, “She’ll be 18 in 20 minutes.”
-
The Man at the Door With a Bloodied Towel
A woman answered the doorbell and a man was standing there with something wrapped in a bloodied towel.
The man said, “I’m terribly sorry. I just ran over your cat.”
The woman burst into tears.
The man tried to comfort her by saying, “I’d like to replace it.”
The woman wiped her eyes and said, “Really? How are you at catching mice?”
-
At Least 8 Characters and One Capital
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyLondon
When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
-
You Were Starting to Sound Like My Ex-Wife
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally spoke, “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection, golf clubs, and that stupid vintage Harley.”
Tom got a horrified look on his face.
She said, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
He replied, “There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”
“Ex-wife!” she screamed, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”
Tom replied, “I wasn’t.”
-
Take on an Empty Stomach
Doctor: “Have you been taking the medicine I prescribed you last month?”
Me: “It says to take on an empty stomach, so no, I haven’t had the chance.”
-
Id Like to Be Eight Again
A man was sitting on the side of the bed watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked her what she would like as a gift.
“I’d like to be eight again,” she said, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a bowl of Frosted Flakes, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park… the death slide, the wall of fear, the screaming roller coaster… just to name a few.
Five hours later, they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling, and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate milkshake.
Then it was off to a movie with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s! What a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and fell into bed, exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile, “What was it like to be eight again?”
She opened her eyes, and her expression suddenly changed.
“I meant my dress size, you idiot!”
Moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he’s going to get it wrong.
-
Put Me Down for a Five
Police have been called to an apartment, and upon arrival find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?”
“Yes,” says the woman.
“Did you hit him with that golf club?”
“Yes, yes, I did.”
The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
“How many times did you hit him?”
“I don’t know — put me down for a five.”
