Joke Type: observational

Observational jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Old Friend From Preschool

    Old Friend From Preschool

    Ran into an old friend from preschool at the bar last night

  • Insurance Claims Gone Hilariously Wrong

    The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible:

    Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
    I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.
    The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
    I collided with a stationary car going the other way.
    A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
    A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
    The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
    I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
    In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
    I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.
    I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
    I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
    As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
    My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
    An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
    I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
    I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.
    The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.
    I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.
    The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
    The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

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  • Warning Labels for the Dangerously Obvious and Absurd

    Here are some actual label instructions on consumer products that may tell us that we are;

    1. On a blanket from Taiwan –
    NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

    2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists –
    REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

    3. On a Taiwanese shampoo –
    USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

    4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink
    AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

    5. On a New Zealand insect spray –
    THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

    6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer –
    TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

    7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids
    LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

    8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
    OPEN OTHER END.

    9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins –
    WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

    10. On a Sears hairdryer –
    DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

    11. On a bag of Fritos –
    YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.

    12. On a bar of Dial soap –
    DIRECTIONS – USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

    13. On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)-
    DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

    14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding –
    PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

    15. On a Korean kitchen knife –
    WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

    16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights –
    FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

    17. On a Japanese food processor –
    NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.

    18. On Sainsbury’s peanuts –
    WARNING – CONTAINS NUTS.

    19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
    INSTRUCTIONS – OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.

    20. On a Swedish chainsaw –
    DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.

    21. On a child’s superman costume –
    WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

    22. On some frozen dinners
    SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.

    23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
    FITS ONE HEAD.

    24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron
    DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

    25. On Boot’s “Children’s” cough medicine
    DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

    26. On Nytol sleep aid
    WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.

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  • Corporate Incompetence: Millions for Failure

    1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

    AT&T FIRED President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.

    2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:

    Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting ”Please come out and give yourself up.”

    3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???

    An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

    4. THE GETAWAY!

    A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

    5. DID I SAY THAT???

    Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, ”Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, ”That’s not what I said!”

    6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??

    A man spoke frantically into the phone, ”My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” ”Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. ”No!”, the man shouted, ”This is her husband!”.

    7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!

    In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

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  • More Guys Named Moe

    If Larry had been a wackier and more influential stooge, I suspect I’d know more guys named Moe.

  • Stoned Dennys Next Right

    Stoned Dennys Next Right

    YOU’RE STONED. IT’S 3 A.M. NOTHING ELSE IS OPEN. NEXT RIGHT

    Denny’s

  • Gonads-First Into a Doorknob

    There’s no shame in a man’s weeping; the bitter yet life-embracing tears of universal sorrow… especially when he’s just walked gonads-first into a doorknob.

  • Demented Exhibitionist Guy

    I bet one of the hardest parts of being a superhero is remembering which phone booth you left your clothes in. And by “superhero,” what I mean is “demented-exhibitionist-guy.”

  • Deer Dragging Direction Makes All The Difference

    Two goober hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

    “Hey, I don’t want to tell you how to do something… but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground.”

    After the third hunter left, the two goobers decided to try it.

    A little while later one said to the other, “You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!”

    “Yeah,” the other added, “but we’re getting farther away from the truck….”

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  • Darwin Awards: Humanity’s Most Hilarious Fatal Mistakes

    2004 Darwin Awards

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The Darwin Awards are out for 2004… Yes these are all true. They are finally out again. It’s an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year’s winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. And this year’s nominees in reverse order are:

    7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

    6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6′ 2″ tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman’s wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl’s uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12″ long and 3″ in diameter. The tube’s other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

    5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

    4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was Major trauma.

    3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

    2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. His peers had never thought of the technician suspected of causing the blasts ‘bright’.

    AND THE WINNER…..

    1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own balls in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez’s scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez’s scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.

    NB: This last one wouldn’t normally count, because the idiot didn’t die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.

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