Chris Rock: *makes joke*
Will Smith: *SMACK!*
Jada:
Joke Type: observational
Observational jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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14 Dollars of Soda
vivivictoria: hey gang im ordering 14 dollars worth of soda and nothing else from my local dominos
im thorsty
vivivictoria: He better not fucking have
YOUR ORDER IS IN THE OVEN – Majkiiwis put your order in the oven at 2:47 PM.
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Three Stops Ago
A woman is breastfeeding on the bus but struggling to get her baby to eat…
So she says to her baby, “Eat up now or I’m going to give it to that nice man over there,” and points at the man sitting across from her.
Ten minutes later: “You have to eat, or I will give it to that man!”
Five minutes later: “Come on now, I can’t waste this milk so you have to eat or I’m giving it to that man.”
At this point the gentleman sitting across from her finally says, “Come on lady, make up your mind, I was supposed to get off three stops ago!”
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Antivaxxer Microbiologist
Ahmad @BlkMamba: Just found out my coworker is a antivaxxer.. we’re microbiologists
JS @foamtherunway: I work with a flat earther… at an airline.
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It’s a Date!
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a bench. He’s reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly, the woman gathers courage to go ask him out. She walks over, takes a seat next to him, turns and says, “Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward, but I would love to grab coffee with you some time.”
Flattered, the man responds, “Sure… but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?”
“Well…” the woman says. “A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing a Metallica t-shirt. They’re my favorite band of all time. When they went on their …And Justice for All tour, my parents took me to see them in Chicago. I was twelve years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Metallica.”
The man can’t believe it.
“I saw them play in Chicago too! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Mike and I told our parents we were sleeping at each other’s houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city, and saw them play at the World Music Theater!”
Naturally, they’re both shocked.
“If that isn’t weird enough…” says the woman. “I noticed you’re reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He’s my favorite author.”
Now the man is really taken aback. “Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in nineteenth-century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer. I absolutely love Mark Twain.”
They both can’t believe it… this has got to be a match made in heaven.
“Ok…” the woman says. “Well, buckle up because here’s the icing on the cake. I noticed you’re eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we’d go up and harvest the plums with him. He’d dry them and by the time we’d go back to his place for Thanksgiving he’d always have those prunes saved just for us. They’re my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you’re eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?”
The man puts down his fruit and responds, “It’s a date!”
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Slip Into Something Comfortable
allow me to slip into something more comfortable ~
*gets in my car and leaves*
