15. Harvey Ballbuster
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
Unleash ChaosJoke Type: observational
Observational jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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More Signs You May Have a Drinking Problem
You fall off the floor quite often.
The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in…
Hangovers have become an alternative lifestyle.
Bill & Hillary Clinton are starting to make sense.
You lose most of the arguments with inanimate objects.
You have a “Reserved Parking” space at your liquor store.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You don’t recognize people unless seen through the bottom of a glass.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
You think the four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol & Women.
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The Top 14 TopFive.com Happy Hour Rules
14. Management reserves the right to beat senseless anyone suggesting we get a karaoke machine.
13. No stirring someone else’s drink with your buffalo wing bones.
12. True happiness only. Satisfaction, beatitude, and gruntlement are not acceptable.
11. Friday drink special: $2 “Sex Out Of Reach” shots.
10. Make sure your Secret Service henchmen hide your empties from Laura.
9. Anyone who’s not happy will be beaten with pool cues until they become happy.
8. When falling off your chair, do not block aisles to the jukebox or restroom.
7. We welcome our NRA and Girl Scout drinking buddies!
6. Strict five-drink limit means somewhere around twelve to fifteen drinks.
5. Absolutely no Sally Struthers.
4. Good bar trick: Tying a knot in a cherry stem using only your tongue.
Bad bar trick: Unzipping your pants using only your tongue.3. Designated drivers drink free all night!
2. Calculating the value of pi on your cocktail napkin beyond thirty-two decimal places won’t leave room to write the phone number of the girl you’re trying to impre— Hey! Where’d she go?
1. Confusing, hard-to-read signs on the restroom doors to be replaced with schematics of appropriate genitalia.
The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
Copyright 2001 by Chris White -
Alcohol Warnings
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
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Holiday Drink Warning
The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on booze bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of pounding down a pint or two.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a garbage truck at a hundred yards.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.
8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).
9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.
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New Government Warnings
As most Americans are familiar with, the federal government mandates health warnings on alcoholic products to warn people about the potential negative effects. This is also an increasing occurrence in other countries as well. It has come to our attention that a few additional warnings may be appropriate.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that a “2” is a “10.”
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
And instead of warning women not to drink when they are pregnant, the new guidelines should read…
10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.
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’Cause You’re Ugly
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a two-pound can of coffee, and a one-pound package of bacon.
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.Unleash Chaos -
Drinker’s Fault Finding Guide
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.Symptom: Room is spinning.
Fault: Somebody is spinning your barstool.
Solution: Vomit on person doing the spinning.Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while, complain to its owner about its lack of house training.Symptom: Lap cool and wet.
Fault: Drooling on yourself.
Solution: Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being hijacked.Symptom: Bar looks like a circus.
Fault: You’re at a circus.
Solution: Go to a bar.Symptom: The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: PANIC!!
