Joke Type: observational

On the train the other day I overheard two teenagers saying Facebook had been ruined by the presence of all the “old people” who are keeping in touch with other old people, and they looked over at me. I said, “You’re 12. How many people could you have possibly lost track of already?”

Every time I vomit I think, “Thank god! I was about to DIGEST that stuff?”

In 1900 New York, the legal age of consent was 10-years-old. You know at least one guy once said, “Honest officer, she said she was this many fingers old.”

I get pretty upset whenever I hear about someone overdosing on drugs. I mean, that’s just a waste of perfectly good drugs. So selfish.

You learn something new everyday. For instance, today I learned that those toilets at Home Depot aren’t hooked up to any type of plumbing.

I’m sorting through beans looking for the magic ones. I think I’ve found three so far. I’m making a mess with the refried ones.

Pretzels cause earthquakes. Werewolves cause acne. Vaccinations cause autism. Each of these three statements has equal evidence to support it.

If everything really is bigger in Texas, those gay weddings are going to be FABULOUS!

I don’t know about trees but when I was alone in the forest and I fell down, I made a lot of loud swearing sounds.