Joke Type: one-liner

One-liner jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Pretty Good Footage

    My cellphone accidentally took a 10-minute video of my shoes yesterday…

    It was some pretty good footage.

  • Pick It Up Along the Way

    Do you have to have any special training to be a garbage man, or do you just pick it up along the way?

  • An Edison

    What do you call a stolen Tesla?

    An Edison.

  • Same Middle Name

    What do Winnie the Pooh, Alexander the Great, and Andre the Giant all have in common?

    Same middle name.

  • The Difference Is Staggering

    It takes me 5 minutes to walk from my home to the bar, but 20 minutes to walk from the bar back to my home.

    The difference is staggering.

  • Refuse to Work Sundaes

    I quit my job at the ice cream factory.

    I refuse to work sundaes.

  • Soft Tissue Damage

    I just had a stack of toilet paper rolls fall on me in the supermarket.

    It’s OK, though. Just some soft tissue damage.

  • The Kia vs. the Rolls-Royce

    A man driving a Kia stops at a traffic light next to a Rolls-Royce.

    The Kia driver rolls down his window and calls out to the Rolls-Royce driver, “Hey, pal, that’s an impressive car. Does your Rolls have Wi-Fi? My Kia does!”

    The Rolls-Royce driver replies, “Yes, it has Wi-Fi.”

    The Kia driver continues, “Nice! And do you have a fridge in there? I have a fridge in the backseat of my Kia!”

    The Rolls-Royce driver, getting irritated, responds, “Yes, there’s a refrigerator.”

    Not backing down, the Kia driver asks, “That’s cool, man! What about a TV? I’ve got a TV in my Kia’s backseat!”

    The Rolls-Royce driver, increasingly annoyed, says, “Yes, there’s a television. A Rolls-Royce is the epitome of luxury vehicles!”

    The Kia driver says, “Amazing car! But do you have a bed in there? I’ve got a bed in the back of my Kia!”

    Frustrated that his car lacks a bed, the Rolls-Royce driver speeds off. He heads straight to the dealership and orders a bed to be installed in his Rolls. The following morning, he picks up his car, and the bed looks fantastic, complete with silk sheets and elegant brass accents. It’s undoubtedly a bed suited for a Rolls-Royce.

    The Rolls-Royce driver spends the entire day searching for the Kia. Finally, late that night, he spots the Kia parked with fogged-up windows. He gets out of his Rolls-Royce and knocks on the Kia’s window. At first, there’s no response, but then the owner pokes his head out, dripping wet.

    “I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the Rolls-Royce driver declares smugly.

    The Kia driver replies, “Did you really drag me out of the shower just to tell me that?!”

  • Note to self: It’s not “boner-fide” opportunity. Follow-up note

    Note to self: It’s not “boner-fide” opportunity. Follow-up note to self: Who cares? I got the job!

  • I know it’s called a blow JOB, but I really don’t think the

    I know it’s called a blow JOB, but I really don’t think the interview was necessary.