What quality does the best secretary in the world have?
She never misses a period.
Joke Type: one-liner
One-liner jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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20 Sayings We’d Like to See on Those Office Inspirational Posters
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings… they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos… then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity… probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK… means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time, so you don’t have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
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Quotable Beer Quotes
“If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, it makes the beer shoot out of your nose.” — Jack Handy
It’s better to have a beer in hand than gas in the tank.
Beer — it’s just not for breakfast anymore.
Beer — Nature’s laxative.
“One more and I’ll be under the host.” — Dorothy Parker
“Without question the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you the wheel was also a fine invention, but a wheel does not go as well with pizza.” — Dave Barry
“The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.” — Humphrey Bogart
“Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.” — David Moulton
“A drink a day keeps the shrink away.” — Edward Abbey
“People who drink ‘light’ beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.” — Capital Brewery, WI
“Put it back in the horse!” — H. Allen Smith, after his first American beer
“On the seventh day He brewed beer.” — Bill Bradshaw
Reality is the illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
“I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.”
“A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t have the decency to thank her.” — W.C. Fields
Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.
The problem with jails is they have the wrong type of bars in there.
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Not Looked Back Since
To save money on fuel I took the mirrors off of my car to reduce drag.
I’ve not looked back since.
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Taco Bell’s Colon Cleanse
I wonder if the people paying $300 for a colon cleanse know about Taco Bell’s $4.99 deal.
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Eats That Many Trains
My personal trainer said he eats five big meals and trains six days a week.
I have no idea how he eats that many trains.
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Sting Operation
Did you hear about the bee who got busted for visiting a prostitute?
It was a sting operation.
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Social Distancing Dad
My dad must be really be taking this social distancing shit seriously, I haven’t seen him in 23 years
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Taking It Harder
My family recently discovered our granddad has a Viagra addiction.
No one is taking it harder than grandma.
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You’re Next
Old people at weddings always poke me and say, “You’re next.”
So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
