I call my penis The Gun, because, honestly, it should probably be much more strictly regulated in order to prevent future tragedies.
Joke Type: political
Political jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Homecoming Queen
Donald Trump’s presidential campaign is really nothing more than a high-stakes version of “Wouldn’t it be funny to elect the ugly girl homecoming queen?”
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The Top 14 October Surprises
14. A final, no-holds-barred presidential debate is hastily scheduled by the producers of “American Gladiators.”
13. Supreme Court opens their new session by replacing “yea” or “nay” with “left” or “right.”
12. Donald Trump provides incontrovertible proof that he’s not a Russian spy by revealing that he’s a Chinese spy.
11. Bill already advertising for interns on Craigslist.
10. The pumpkin spice craze is a secret chemical warfare plot concocted by Donald Trump to turn the entire world orange.
9. Ronald Reagan rises from the dead, just to show that he can.
8. Hillary’s server full of e-mails advocating “grabbing Bernie by the droopy balls.”
7. Oddly enough, Disney’s Hall of Presidents attraction has had a Hillary figure ready to go since 1996.
6. Hearing a 9-year-old tell a 7-year-old his costume is culturally insensitive.
5. The press rebrands the Affordable Care Act as the Holy-Cow-Talk-About-Sticker-Shock Care Act.
4. Scientists discover that Trump’s hair is a living creature that controls the empty puppet underneath.
3. Anthony Weiner: the dick that keeps on giving.
2. E-mail discovered on Anthony Weiner’s computer reveals that his birth name was Anthony Vajayjay.
1. Not a soul has come from the future to put a stop to this madness.
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Red Flags Everywhere
I broke up with my girlfriend of five years because I found out she was a communist.
I should have known — there were red flags everywhere.
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Which President Said That?
A little boy was sitting in class. The teacher decided that since it was Friday afternoon and there was nothing left to do for the week, she’d let the students go home early if they could answer a question correctly.
The teacher said, “Okay class, which president said, ‘The only thing we have to fear is fear itself’?”
Little Timmy was bouncing up and down in his seat, arm raised: “OOH! OOH! I KNOW!”
Before the teacher could call on him, little Julie stood and said, “Franklin Roosevelt.”
“Very good, Julie, you can go,” the teacher replied. “Okay class, which president said, ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country’?”
Again, little Timmy’s hand shot into the air and he waved his arms excitedly. “OOH! OOH! I KNOW! PLEASE!”
Again, before she had a chance to call on anyone, little Sally stood and said, “John Kennedy.”
“Very good, Sally, you may leave also.” The teacher asked again, “Okay class, which president said, ‘Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall’?”
Before Timmy could answer, little Jennifer jumped up and shouted, “Ronald Reagan!”
Frustrated, little Timmy mumbled to himself, “I wish these bitches would keep their fucking mouths shut!”
The teacher heard and shouted, “WHO SAID THAT?!?”
Timmy jumped up: “Bill Clinton! Can I go now?”
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The Top 11 Celebrity Secret Santa Gifts
11. J.J. Abrams — money silos to store all the coin Disney will throw at him to direct a future “Star Wars” movie
10. Tom Brady — a pressure cooker
9. Tom Brady — Federal Reserve action to prevent deflation
8. Bernie Sanders — combo campaign/get off my lawn signs
7. North West — witnessing a horrible crime so Witness Protection can change her name and reassign her to a nice, suburban, middle-class family from the Kansas City area
6. Jim Gilmore — a mirror, so someone would see him
5. Renée Zellweger — her old face back
4. Ben Carson — a good campaign surgeon
3. Gwyneth Paltrow — a steam cleaner
2. Reince Priebus — balls
1. Miss Piggy — a dry rub
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Running Government Like Death Row Records
Trump got 34 felonies, 3 baby mommas, been shot, and kidnapped a sitting President. He running our government like Death Row Records from the 90’s.
