Dentist: “You need to—”
Me: “I need to floss more.”
Dentist: “No, you need to get out of my house. It’s 2:30 a.m.”
Me…
Dentist…
Me: [muffled behind ski mask] “Tooth hurty a.m.”
Joke Type: pun
Pun jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
-
It Tastes Like Ass
If you’ve never tried donkey meat, don’t bother.
It tastes like ass.
-
Easy Peasy Lemons Queasy
A pea, a lemon, and a potato were leaving a bar at the top of a very steep hill after a long night.
The pea, feeling quite energetic, shouted, “Lads! We’re all round—let’s just roll home!” and immediately shot down the hill.
The lemon wobbled after him, but his oval shape made him list violently from side to side, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. The potato followed behind, trundling along slowly.
When the potato finally reached the bottom, he found the lemon leaning against a lamp post, looking very pale and clearly sick. The pea, however, was already jumping up and down. “That was brilliant! Let’s do it again!”
The potato looked at the lemon, then back at the pea, and said: “Easy peasy, lemon’s queasy.”
-
Not Remotely Funny
I told a joke on a Zoom meeting and no one laughed.
It turns out I’m not remotely funny.
-
It Depends on Whos in the Will
Why do baby diapers have names like “Luvs”, “Huggies,” and “Pampers,” while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”?
When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug’em and Pamper’em. When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will!
-
A Royal Flush Beats a Pair
Dolly Parton and King Charles happened to arrive at the Pearly Gates on the very same day.
They were greeted by an angel who explained that, due to a paperwork mix-up, there was only one opening available in Heaven that afternoon.
“I’m afraid I’ll have to decide which one of you gets in,” the angel said.
The angel turned to Dolly and asked if there was any special reason she should be admitted.
Dolly smiled, took off her top and said, “Look at these, they’re two of God’s most perfect creations and I’m sure it will please Him to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”
The angel thanked her politely and then asked King Charles the same question.
Without saying a word, the King walked over to a nearby restroom, pressed the handle, and flushed the toilet.
The angel immediately turned and said, “Your Majesty, welcome to Heaven.”
Dolly stared in disbelief and said, “Hold on just a minute. I showed you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turned me down, and he just flushed a toilet. How does that make sense?”
The angel shrugged and replied, “Sorry, Dolly, but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair every time.”
-
I Could See Myself Working There
They’re building a mirror factory in my town.
I could see myself working there.
-
Taking Steps to Avoid Them
I’m scared of elevators…
So I’m taking steps to avoid them.
-
The Results Are Staggering
Scientists have finished a study on how alcohol can affect a person’s ability to walk.
The results are staggering.
