Did you hear about the sensitive burglar?
He takes things personally!
Joke Type: pun
Pun jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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The Tech-Themed Restaurant
I was at this new tech-themed restaurant the other day.
When I walked in, the whole place was decorated like the inside of a computer. Tables looked like motherboards, placemats like keyboards, and the glasses were giant USB sticks.
The host greeted me — dressed in full “nerd” attire, glasses, pocket protector, the works — but something felt off. He just seemed really, really sad. I brushed it off and got seated.
The waitress who brought the menu barely said a word. Honestly, she seemed even more depressed than the host.
After perusing the “main menu,” I decided to have the fish and microchips.
The waiter taking my order was barely listening, then suddenly started crying as he wrote it down and walked off in tears. I’m thinking… what is going on here?
Anyway, 25 minutes goes by… then 45… then an hour. No food. No staff.
So I finally stopped the manager.
“Hey man, what’s going on? I’ve been waiting an hour. Where’s my food, and why is everyone so upset?”
He looks at me and says, “Sorry, sir… all of our servers are down.”
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At a Pawn Shop
Where is the best place to sell a used chess set?
At a pawn shop.
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Every Week You Get New Matches
In other news, there’s a new dating app that caters to arsonists.
Every week you get new matches!
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You Carry the One
How do you get 100 math teachers into a room in which only 99 fit?
You carry the one.
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Get a Hobby
A man is talking to his therapist. “Doc, I feel like I’m wasting my life. All I do is sit around reading fantasy books. Must be my 50th time going through Tolkien. I feel so directionless.”
The therapist tells him, “I would suggest finding a real hobby. One that gets you out of the house. Try it this week and come back.”
The man shrugs. “Well, I guess it’s worth a shot.”
The man goes back the following week and is on cloud nine. “Doc! I took your advice and I’ve had the best week ever. I must have been to a dozen different pubs, I went foraging for mushrooms, and I’ve been on all sorts of adventures.”
“That’s great to hear. What did you do different?”
“Instead of telling you, why don’t I show you?”
The man opens the door and pulls in a little person with shaggy hair, bare feet, and smoking a long wooden pipe.
The therapist is confused. “What does this person have to do with your new hobby?”
There’s a long pause before the man replies, “Ohhh. Did you say get a hobby?”
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Bread in Captivity
I went to the zoo last week. The first exhibit was a ciabatta, the second a baguette, and the third a brioche.
They were all bread in captivity.
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Rearrange the Letters of POSTMEN
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN…
They become VERY ANGRY.
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It Was a French Toast
I was the best man at my brother’s wedding in Paris. At the reception, I raised my champagne glass and said, “Eggs, cinnamon, bread, and maple syrup…”
It was a French toast.
