Pun Jokes, Memes & Dark Humor

A First Date With a Vegetarian Girl

I’m going on a first date with a vegetarian girl I met online.

I’ve never met herbivore.

I found $20 lying on the ground and asked myself, “What would Jesus do?”

So, I turned it into wine.

Hear about the blonde who got fired from the M&M factory?

She kept throwing away all the Ws.

I recently opened a company selling trampolines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof.

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

Why did SeaWorld close?

It was being reporpoised.

Why did David Hasselhoff start going by just “the Hoff”?

It was less hassle.

Two cannibal friends are sitting together over afternoon tea.

Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.

One looks across the table and asks, “Hey, I heard you and your boyfriend had a massive argument last night?”

“Oh, absolutely,” she replies. “It was dreadful.”

“So, where do things stand between you two now?”

She pauses, takes a delicate sip from her teacup, and says, “Well… right now, I’m just letting him stew.”

“I” before “E,” except when your foreign neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from weird, feisty, caffeinated weightlifters.

I was reminiscing with an old school friend the other day.

I said, “Do you remember when the sun would rise in the morning and set in the evening?”

He said, “Ahhh, those were the days…”