Sensitivity: Clean

Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Hamster and the Singing Frog

    A mangy-lookin’ guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.”

    The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?”

    The bartender says, “Only if what you show me ain’t risque.”

    “Deal!” says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

    The bartender says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.”

    The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

    “Money or another miracle, else no drink,” says the bartender.

    The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvellous voice and great pitch — a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it.

    The bartender says to the guy, “Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!”

    “Not so,” says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist!”

  • Feeling a Little Down

    I was in a good mood till I started petting a duckling in the park.

    Then I started feeling a little down.

  • Prose and Cons

    I started a poetry club in prison.

    It had prose and cons.

  • Sick of Them Horsing Around

    I told my kids to stop pretending to be farm animals.

    I was getting sick of them horsing around.

  • The Bilingual Dog Secretary

    The CEO of a company was in need of a secretary.

    He spread ads all over town. A few days later, there was a knock on his door. It was a dog. He had a newspaper in his mouth. He opened it to the classifieds page and pointed to the ad that the CEO had placed. The CEO was impressed. But he thought it was a joke, so he decided to test the dog:

    “Look, I need a secretary who understands the basics of computers.”

    The dog went to one of the secretary’s desks, climbed on the chair, turned on the computer and the printer in total tranquility.

    The CEO was amazed, but decided to go further:

    “That’s good, but I need a secretary who understands spreadsheets.”

    The dog quickly opened Excel, scanned rows and columns of data and then used pivot tables to create dashboards of charts. The astonished CEO desperately followed:

    “Well, that’s really fantastic, but my secretary must be bilingual!”

    The dog replied: “Meow.”

  • Your Whole Post Is Urined

    I hate spelling errors.

    You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

  • It Made My Earring

    I went to a store where they use explosives to create jewelry.

    As I entered there was a loud “bang.” It made my earring.

  • A Frayed Knot

    A string walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender looks at him and says, “We don’t serve strings.”

    The string is annoyed and leaves the bar. Maybe he misheard? He walks back in and orders a drink. “Didn’t you hear? We don’t serve strings!”

    Mad as hell, the string walks outside and throws himself angrily on the floor, swaying in every direction and dragging himself around.

    He walks back into the bar, where the bartender looks at him, dubious…

    “Hey, are you a string?”

    “No, I’m a frayed knot!”

  • How Many Bars Do You Work At

    A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “I can’t serve you, you’ve had too much already.”

    The man sighs, leaves through the front door, walks around the corner, and enters through the side door. He sits down and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, “Look, buddy, I told you five minutes ago I can’t serve you.”

    The man leaves again, walks around the block, and comes in through the back door. He approaches the bar, looks the bartender dead in the eye, and asks for a drink.

    The bartender slams his hand on the counter and yells, “I told you, you’re cut off! Get out!”

    The man looks at him in utter disbelief and says, “My god, man, just how many bars do you work at?!”

  • Horse Walks Into A Bar Hey Sure

    Horse Walks Into A Bar Hey Sure

    Horse walks into a bar.

    Bartender: Hey.

    Horse: Sure.