They’re building a mirror factory in my town.
I could see myself working there.
Sensitivity: Clean
Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Taking Steps to Avoid Them
I’m scared of elevators…
So I’m taking steps to avoid them.
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On Your Garden Swing
A husband and wife are asleep when someone starts banging on the front door in the middle of the night.
The man checks the bedside clock. It is 3:00 a.m.
“No chance I’m getting up now,” he mutters, turning over.
A moment later, the knocking comes again, even louder.
His wife nudges him. “Are you seriously not going to see who it is?”
Grumbling, he climbs out of bed, stumbles downstairs, and opens the door. Outside stands a stranger, clearly very drunk.
The man at the door squints at him and says, “Sorry to bother you… could you give me a shove?”
“Absolutely not. It’s three in the morning,” the husband snaps, and shuts the door.
Back upstairs, he climbs into bed and tells his wife what happened.
She frowns. “That was unkind. Do you remember when our car died in the rain and you had to knock on someone’s door for help? Imagine if they had turned you away.”
“He was drunk,” the husband says.
“So what?” she replies. “He still needed help. Go help him.”
Feeling guilty, the husband gets dressed, heads back downstairs, and opens the front door. He cannot see anyone in the dark, so he calls out:
“Hey! Do you still need a push?”
From somewhere outside comes the answer:
“Yes, please!”
The husband looks around and shouts, “Where are you?”
A voice calls back:
“Over here… on your garden swing!”
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Worse Off Than I Am
A judge is asking a husband why he wants a divorce.
Husband, “Your honor, every so often, my wife makes me peel garlic, chop onions, and wash dishes.”
Judge, “What’s the problem? Warm the garlic first, it peels easily. Put the onion in the fridge, no tears while chopping… I do this at least once a week. Soak the dishes for 10 minutes, they’ll clean themselves. I do this almost every day.”
Husband, “Got it! Your honor, I withdraw my case.”
Judge, “Why are you withdrawing?”
Husband, “Cause apparently, you’re worse off than I am.”
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The Results Are Staggering
Scientists have finished a study on how alcohol can affect a person’s ability to walk.
The results are staggering.
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D-d-d-david
A guy gets pulled over for speeding, and the officer says, “What’s your name, son?”
He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”
The officer looks at him suspiciously and says, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The guy replies, “No, sir. My dad has a stutter, and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is an idiot.”
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The Moyel and the Leather Worker
The Moyel and the Leather Worker
In the Jewish religion, the ritual specialist who conducts circumcision (“bris”) is called a “moyel”.
So this one moyel works for decades, and saves all his clippings. When he retires, he takes them to a leather worker, and asks if he can make something out of them.
A couple of weeks later, the leather worker calls the moyel in and lays a wallet on the counter.
“What? Sixty years in the trenches and all I get is a wallet?” cries the moyel.
“Rub it. It turns into a suitcase.”
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Bringing Her Back
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand-new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. “Amazing,” he thought as he sped down I-95, pressing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rearview mirror, he saw a state trooper — blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out and walked up to the Corvette. He glanced at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding, a reason I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”
The old gentleman paused, then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”
“Have a good day, sir,” replied the trooper.
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Now She Wants to Break Three
My daughter broke two of my Freddie Mercury records.
Now she wants to break three.
