Sensitivity: Clean

Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Johnny’s Inventory

    Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”

    Johnny: “Seven.”

    Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

    Johnny: “Seven.”

    Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”

    Johnny: “Six.”

    Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

    Johnny: “Seven!”

    Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”

    Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”

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  • Order in the Court

    A judge addresses the wobbly defendant standing in front of him. “Sir, you’ve been brought before me for drinking.”

    “Fantastic,” says the defendant. “Let’s get started!”

    All present in the court burst out laughing.

    Annoyed, the judge bangs his gavel and says, “Order! Order!”

    And the defendant says, “All right… I’ll have a whiskey and soda.”

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  • A Nasty Habit

    I met a nun who wiped her nose on her clothes.

    She had a nasty habit.

  • The Murphy Twins at the Pub

    Two Irishmen sitting in a pub in Dublin.

    One turns to the other and asks, “Here… do I know you?”

    The second replies, “I was about to ask you the same thing! What school did you go to?”

    The first man replies, “I went to St. Brendan’s from 1954 until 1960.”

    The second man’s eyes widen with surprise. “So did I! I was in class 2!”

    The first man chimes up, “I was in class 2 as well! What part of Dublin are you from?”

    The second man says, “I lived at 16 Foley Street my whole life.”

    The first man excitedly replies, “What are the chances of that? I lived at number 16 Foley Street!”

    And all the while, the poor barman thinks to himself, “I hate it when the Murphy twins get drunk.”

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  • The Irish Man and the Beer at the Bar

    An Irish man is sitting at a bar, then a Chinese man sits down next to him…

    The Chinese man takes a drink, and the Irish man says to him, “Do you know Kung Fu?”

    The Chinese man says, “Why, because I’m Chinese? That’s just racist!”

    The Irish man says, “No, I ask because you’re drinking my beer.”

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  • His Career Is Now in Ruins

    I have a friend who quit his job to pursue his dream in archaeology.

    His career is now in ruins.

  • The New CEO and the Delivery Guy

    A new CEO decides it’s time to get rid of the slackers.

    During a tour of the office, he notices a guy leaning against the wall while everyone else is working.

    Seeing a chance to show he means business, he walks over and asks, “How much do you make a week?”

    A little surprised, the young man replies, “About $400. Why?”

    The CEO says, “Wait right here.”

    He goes back to his office, returns a few minutes later, hands the guy $1,600 in cash, and says, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now get out, and don’t come back!”

    Feeling pretty proud of himself, the CEO turns to the employees and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goofball did around here?”

    A voice from the back says, “He was the DoorDash delivery guy.”

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  • The Beer CEOs at the Bar

    Four beer company CEOs walk into a bar.

    The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

    The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.

    The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

    The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

    The other three look at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?”

    The CEO of Guinness says, “Well, I figured if you three weren’t ordering beer, it would be rude if I did.”

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  • Soup or Ahi Frozen Fish Sticks

    What did Mary Poppins like for dinner?

    Soup or ahi frozen fish sticks, ex peas, all delicious.

  • The Radar Detector and the Tail Light

    A man is tired of getting speeding tickets, so he buys a radar detector.

    He’s speeding down the highway and suddenly the patrol car pulls up behind him and pulls him over. Detector never went off.

    Pissed, he realizes maybe he should have bought a better one. He spends a bit more money and gets one that claims to have superior radar detection technology. It costs more, but if it saves him a ticket, it’s worth it.

    Sure enough, within a week, he’s on the highway and the blue and red lights come on. Another ticket.

    He can’t afford another point on his license, so he goes out and buys the most expensive, most highly rated radar detector he can find.

    Within days the police show up behind him again. He’s furious. He pulls the detector out of the dash, gets out of the car and smashes it to bits on the ground, and is jumping up and down on the pieces. He sees the officer, standing and watching him.

    “WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT? WHY DON’T THESE POS DETECTORS WORK?”

    Officer says, “Just wanted to let you know your left tail light is out.”

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