When my kid does something wrong, I ground him. But the real punishment comes when I connect him to the positive and negative wires.
Sensitivity: Clean
Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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The problem I have with returning home from five days at an industry trade show is that
The problem I have with returning home from five days at an industry trade show is that I now have to re-adjust to helping my wife clean re-liquidated nutrition delivery systems and change infant waste-product receptacle solutions.
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Growing up, I had great difficulty concentrating on saying the alphabet.
Growing up, I had great difficulty concentrating on saying the alphabet. After special classes and several doctor visits, I was diagnosed with ABCDADHD.
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I don’t mind that the lady was breast feeding her kid in the middle of the airport.
I don’t mind that the lady was breast feeding her kid in the middle of the airport. I don’t even mind that the kid was way too old to still be breast fed. What set me off was her letting the airline employees watch, then them upgrading her to first class.
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My dad once told me, “The only one who can beat you is yourself.”
My dad once told me, “The only one who can beat you is yourself.” As I stand chained in this Turkish prison, I’m thinking Dad might’ve been a tad wrong on this one.
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There was a guy in traffic beside me jerking off like crazy.
There was a guy in traffic beside me jerking off like crazy. I yelled out the window to him to at least have the decency to get back into his car.
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My last employment review singled me out as a “glass-half-empty” guy, so I’ve worked
My last employment review singled me out as a “glass-half-empty” guy, so I’ve worked hard to change that. Now, when I see a shared casserole in the break room with a hair sticking out of it, I say, “Hey, free floss!”
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It turns out you can lead a horse to water *and* make it drink, but you have to load it
It turns out you can lead a horse to water *and* make it drink, but you have to load it up with really salty popcorn for an hour or two before.
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I really mean it when I say I just want my wife to be happy.
I really mean it when I say I just want my wife to be happy. Of course, if I could be happy, too, that would be good. And if we could both be happy at the same time, maybe involving whipped cream and some edible underwear, that would be even better.
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With the daily barrage of depressing stories about poverty, genocide, fear and hate,
With the daily barrage of depressing stories about poverty, genocide, fear and hate, it’s sometimes a struggle to even want to get out of bed. Then you open a bag of Skittles to find a couple defective pieces morphed together, looking like two perfect purple boobies. Best. Day. EVER!
