Sensitivity: Clean

Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Sirius Shirley

    Sirius Shirley

    HI, MY NAME IS SIRIUS

    BUT I WANT TO BE SIRIUS

    SHIRLEY YOU CANT BE SIRIUS

  • Insured Cigars and 24 Counts of Arson

    A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against… get this… fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.

    In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in “a series of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued… and won.

    In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be “unacceptable fire,” it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.

    Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge’s ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in “the fires.” After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested… on 24 counts of arson.

    With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.

  • Hold Her Steals

    Hold Her Steals

    When you have to hold her like this at night because she steals

    @whitepeoplehumor

  • Tooth Fairy Wood Coins

    Tooth Fairy Wood Coins

    Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix

    Child: The Tooth Fairy left me three dollars!

    Me: When I was a kid the Tooth Fairy would leave us coins.

    Child: Were they made of wood?

    Me:

    Child:

    Me: The Tooth Fairy isn’t real.

    5:36 AM · 7/26/20 · Twitter for iPad

  • I Feel Like a Baby

    Tim, Joe and Steve, life long friends, were down at the local tavern having a beer celebrating Steve’s 80th birthday.

    Steve grabbed his shoulder and said, “You know, I’m 80 and I can feel the aches and pains of my age.”

    Tim agreed, saying he can tell rain is coming by the aches in his knees.

    Joe shook his head. “Guys,” he said. “I feel like a baby.”

    Tim and Steve looked at each other, puzzled.

    Joey took a sip of beer and smiled. “I got no hair, no teeth and I pee my pants a lot!”

  • Where the Hell Is That Monkey

    A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution, “This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before…”

    So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he’s about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly, “Mmm…that was some good lion meat!”

    The lion abruptly stops and says, “Woah! This guy seems tougher than he looks, I better leave while I can.”

    Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes that he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily, “Get on my back, we’ll get him together.”

    So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realizes what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts, “Where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…”

  • Email Server Down

    Email Server Down

    SENDS COMPANY WIDE EMAIL

    INFORMING COWORKERS THAT EMAIL SERVER IS CURRENTLY DOWN.

  • Constipation Movie Carl

    Constipation Movie Carl

    CARL, HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE MOVIE CONSTIPATION?

    DAD…

    I SAID, HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT IT, CARL

    SIGH….NO

    IT NEVER CAME OUT, CARL

    CARL, IT NEVER CAME OUT.

    I HATE YOU DAD

  • Little Hoarse

    Little Hoarse

    i’m not sick

    i’m just a little hoarse

    SO MUCH PUN.COM

  • Push Up Last Year

    Push Up Last Year

    Why are my arms so weak?

    It’s like I did that push-up last year for nothing.