A Canadian tourist in Australia gets hit by a car. He wakes up in the hospital with a doctor standing over him.
He asks the doctor, “Did I come here to die?”
The doctor replies, “Nah mate, you came here yesterday.”
Sensitivity: Clean
Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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The Pope’s Miracle Hearing
The Pope is handing out miracles to kids in Liverpool. Billy walks on stage and asks him, “Can you help me with my hearing?”
The Pope says, “Yes,” puts his hands on Billy’s ears, and prays. He removes his hands and asks, “How is your hearing now?”
Billy says, “I don’t know, it’s not until next Wednesday.”
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Poop Deck Confusion Lands Lifetime Cruise Ban
I haven’t been allowed back on a cruise ship ever since that whole ‘poop deck’ misunderstanding.
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Smart Boss Hires Even Smarter People
John visits his friend David, a fellow businessman, and clearly impressed asks him, “David, how do you keep this place running so smooth?”
“Easy,” he said. “I surround myself with people who actually have a brain. Watch.” He calls his Chief Financial Officer and asks, “He’s your father’s son, but he’s not your brother. Who is he?”
The CFO responds almost immediately: “That’s me.”
John is floored. He flies home, calls his own CFO, and says, “Mike, I’ve got a test for you. He’s your father’s son, but he’s not your brother. Who is he?”
The CFO stammers for twenty minutes before asking for 24 hours to “research” it. He panics and calls Warren Buffet. “Sir, quick question: Your father’s son, but not your brother. Who is it?”
Buffet sighs. “It’s me, Mike.”
Mike runs to his boss, all proud. “Sir! I have the answer! It’s Warren Buffet!”
John slams his desk. “No, you idiot! It’s David’s finance guy!”
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Wife’s Accidental Car Meeting Goes Wrong
Over dinner, a woman said to her husband, “I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really bad language; he even threatened me!”
“How did you meet this fellow?” He asked, very concerned.
She said, “Well, we met by accident, I hit him with the car.”
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Three Nervous Drivers Learn Basic Car Operations
As an instructor in driver education at Unionville-Sebewaing Area High School in Michigan, I’ve learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel. One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes. When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others.
Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, “Should I stop the car?”
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Down For Whatever
I say “I’m down for whatever” a lot for someone who is down for maybe 3 things and one of those is napping and another is sleeping
