True fact:
Before the crowbar was invented…
…most crows drank at home.
Sensitivity: Clean
Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Before the Crowbar Was Invented
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Words at the Funeral
A man asked a widow if he could say a word at her husband’s funeral.
“Certainly,” she replied.
He stood up and said, “Plethora.”
The widow smiled and said, “Thanks, that means a lot.”
Another man stood up and said, “Bargain.”
The widow replied, “Thanks, that means a great deal.”
Yet another stood up and said, “Earth.”
“Thanks,” she said. “That means the world.”
Another man stood and said, “Infinity.”
The widow smiled and replied, “Thanks, that means more than you can imagine.”
Yet another stood up and said, “Retirement.”
The widow said, “Thanks, my husband would have loved that.”
Finally, one man simply held up a sprig of Mentha spicata.
The widow smiled and said, “Thanks, that’s a lovely scent of mint.”
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Statistically Safe
An old man was celebrating his 100th birthday with his family.
One of them asked him if he had any worries about his health and future, and he replied:
“I have no worries at all! Statistically, very few people die between their 100th and 101st birthday!”
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The Squire of the High Pot and Noose
A perfectly triangular lake has three kingdoms along its three sides.
The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people.
The second kingdom is more humble, but still enjoys its fair share of wealth and influence.
The third kingdom is poor and struggling, with barely enough resources to maintain an army.
Eventually, the three kingdoms go to war over control of the lake, which has become a valuable resource.
The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armor money can buy, each accompanied by a personal squire.
The second kingdom sends 50 knights, equipped with fine leather armor and supported by several dozen squires of their own.
The third kingdom can only send a single knight — an elderly warrior long past his prime — along with his faithful squire.
The night before the great battle, the knights of the first kingdom drink and celebrate late into the night.
The knights of the second kingdom aren’t quite as wealthy, but they still have enough grog to keep the festivities going well into the evening.
In the third camp, things are much quieter. The squire takes a rope and throws it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose. He hangs a cooking pot from it, fills it with stew, and shares a humble dinner with the old knight.
The next morning, disaster strikes. The knights of the first two kingdoms are too hungover to fight. The old knight from the third kingdom is simply too old and weary to rise from his bed.
So instead, the squires from all three kingdoms march into battle.
The fighting lasts all day and well into the night. When the dust finally settles, only one squire remains standing: the squire from the third kingdom.
And that just goes to show you that: The squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
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It Just Rolls Off the Tongue
My favourite word is drool.
It just rolls off the tongue.
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Filled It With Spring Water
My ditzy neighbor bought a waterbed and said it was way more bouncy than he expected…
He said, “I’m guessing it’s because I filled it with spring water.”
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Pipe Down or You’ll Get Us Both Fired
A gorilla at the zoo dies of old age just before opening time. He was the star attraction — the one animal everybody came to see.
The zoo can’t afford a new gorilla right away, so the owner makes a quiet offer to one of the workers: “We’ve got an old gorilla costume in storage. If you put it on and act like the gorilla for a while, I’ll pay you an extra $100 a day.”
The worker agrees, puts on the suit, and goes into the enclosure. To his surprise, the visitors love him. He pounds his chest, swings around, and soon crowds are showing up just to see this “amazingly life-like” gorilla.
After a month, though, the excitement starts to die down. So he decides to put on a little stunt. He climbs to the top of the enclosure, swings over into the neighboring lion habitat… and hangs from the safety net above it!
A huge crowd gathers — gasping and pointing.
Then — his hands slip. He falls right into the lions’ den.
Panicking, he starts yelling, “HELP! Somebody help me! I’m not really a gorilla!”
Suddenly, a massive lion leaps onto him, pinning him to the ground.
The lion leans in close and whispers, “Pipe down, buddy… or you’ll get us both fired.”
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Little Johnny Sells Toothbrushes
The kids filed back into class Monday morning, all excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something and then give a short talk about their sales strategy.
Little Sally went first. “I sold Girl Scout cookies,” she said proudly. “I made $30. My approach was to appeal to people’s kindness!”
“Excellent,” said the teacher.
Little Mary went next. “I sold magazines. I made $45. I told people that magazines help them keep up with the news.”
“Very good, Mary,” said the teacher.
Finally, it was Little Johnny’s turn. He walked to the front, dumped a shoebox full of cash on the teacher’s desk, and said, “$2,467.”
The teacher nearly fainted. “$2,467?! Johnny, what on earth were you selling?”
“Toothbrushes,” Johnny replied.
“Toothbrushes?! How could you sell that many?”
Johnny grinned. “Well, I went to the busiest corner in town and set up a table with a sign that said ‘Free Sample.’ I handed everyone a chip dipped in a little brown mixture. Every single person said the same thing: ‘Eww! That tastes like dog food!’”
“Then I said, ‘It sure does!… Would you like to buy a toothbrush?’”
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O’Brien’s Dog Was a Catholic
O’Brien lived alone in the Irish countryside for many years, with just his dog for company.
One day, the dog died, and O’Brien went to see Father Mullaney, the parish priest.
“Father, me darlin’ pup has passed on. I was wonderin’, could ya be sayin’ a mass for the poor creature?”
“Ah, I’m afraid not, we can’t be havin’ services for an animal in the church. But there’s a few Baptists down the road and there’s no tellin’ what they’re believin’ in. Maybe they’ll do somethin’ for the poor creature.”
“I’ll be headin’ off straight away, Father. Do ye think five grand would be enough to donate for the service?”
“Sweet Mary, mother o’ Jesus! Why didn’t ye tell me the dog was a bleedin’ Catholic?”
