Sensitivity: Dark

Dark humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Dying Pastor and the Two Politicians

    An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for Joe Biden and Barack Obama to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.

    As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling.

    For a time, no one said anything. Both Biden and Obama were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments.

    They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, Obama asked, “Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?”

    The old pastor mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves… and that’s how I’d like to go.”

  • The Hospital Visit and the Mother-in-Law

    A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition…

    On the way back the wife, very worried, asks, “So, honey? How’s my mum doing?”

    He replies, “She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!”

    “Wow that’s amazing!” says the wife. “But this is very strange, dear… yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!”

    “Well, I don’t know how she was yesterday,” he replied. “But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst.”

  • The Priest, the Nun, and the Golf Game

    A priest and a nun are playing golf when the priest badly misses his shot, leaving himself blocked by trees and in deep rough.

    Frustrated, the priest grumbles, “Fuck I missed.”

    The nun, taken aback, says to the priest, “Father, you are a man of the cloth. You shouldn’t speak that way.”

    Annoyed, the priest brushes off the nun and tries to recover with his next shot rather than punching the ball back into the fairway. He takes a big swing, makes great contact, and almost succeeds with the high-risk shot, but winds up short and deeply embedded in the sand trap. Immediately, he exclaims even louder, “Fuck I missed!”

    This time the nun isn’t having it, so she turns to him and says, “Father, if you continue to speak like that, may God strike you down!”

    The priest brushes it off again with a “Yeah, sure, whatever,” and proceeds to try to blast the ball out of the sand trap but barely moves it a few inches, this time shouting, “Fuck I missed!”

    Almost immediately the sky darkens and clouds roll in. A low rumble builds and a thick bolt of lightning comes crashing from the sky, vaporizing the nun right where she stands!

    Then a deep voice from the clouds exclaims, “FUCK… I missed!”

  • The Anniversary Gift in the Driveway

    A wife was furious because her husband forgot their wedding anniversary.

    She crossed her arms and yelled, “Tomorrow morning, I want something in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in under five seconds!”

    The husband said nothing.

    The next morning, the wife walked outside and found a small wrapped box sitting in the driveway.

    Confused, she opened it.

    Inside was a brand-new bathroom scale.

    According to hospital staff, the husband is expected to make a full recovery.

  • The Police Dog Fetch

    Two female police dog handlers are walking their dogs.

    One says to the other, “I left my panties at the police station.”

    The other says, “Let the dog have a whiff of your minge and he’ll go and fetch them.”

    Fifteen minutes later, the dog returns with her panties, her baton, a broomhandle and two of the inspector’s fingers.

  • Every Week You Get New Matches

    In other news, there’s a new dating app that caters to arsonists.

    Every week you get new matches!

  • The Cyanide Prescription

    A nice, calm, and respectable woman walks into a pharmacy, goes straight to the pharmacist, looks him in the eye, and says, “I’d like to buy some cyanide.”

    The pharmacist asks, “Why on earth do you need cyanide?”

    The woman replies, “I need it to poison my husband.”

    The pharmacist’s eyes widen, and he exclaims, “My God! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! We’ll both go to jail! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

    The woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looks at the photo and replies, “Well, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

  • The Smartest Pig in the World

    A journalist heard about an incredibly smart pig out in the country, so he decided to go and check it out.

    He arrives at the farm and meets the owner.
    “I’ve heard your pig is exceptionally intelligent,” the journalist says. “Could you tell me why?”

    “Well, I’ll tell ya,” the farmer replies. “The other day, my pregnant wife’s water broke all of a sudden. The pig saw it happen. He ran out into the yard, saw me working out in the field, and jumped up on the tractor. He started the engine and leaned on the horn as hard as he could. I heard the racket, rushed back to the house, and was able to get my wife to the hospital just in time.”

    “Wow, that’s truly impressive!” says the journalist.

    “Oh, but it gets even crazier! The other day, I was working on the grain auger. I don’t know what happened, but I must not have turned the tractor off right, because the auger started spinning. My hand got caught in it, and it started pulling me in. I thought for sure I was gonna lose my arm. But then, that pig came charging out. He jumped into the tractor, cut the ignition, and ran over to pull me free. Once my hand was out—it was pretty banged up—he reached into my pocket, grabbed my phone in his mouth, and I don’t know how he did it, but he dialed 911. I was able to talk to the paramedics; they got here fast and saved my arm.”

    Stunned, the journalist asks to see the pig.

    The farmer leads him over to the pen and shows him a pig with only three legs.

    The journalist, totally baffled, asks: “Wait, why does he only have three legs?”

    “Well, heck!” the farmer says. “A pig that smart? You don’t eat him all at once!”

  • The Little Bugger and the Condoms

    Neil was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily. “What’s up Neil?” asked the bartender. “It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth.”

    “It’s my four year old son…” Neil replied.

    “Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it; it happens to boys that age,” said the bartender, sympathetically.

    “I only wish it was that,” said Neil, “but it’s far worse than that. The little toad has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.”

    “Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the bartender.

    “It’s not,” said Neil. “The little bugger stuck a pin in all my condoms.”

  • The Organ Donor

    There once was a very prolific prostitute. She serviced many a John and a Jane over her career.

    Her biggest insecurity was always the way her vagina looked. She had rather large pussy lips (labia minora). Occasionally, she would be rejected by a client because of the way her lady bits looked, and she sought the advice of a surgeon.

    “Sure, we can reduce the amount of external flesh and create a more aesthetically appealing area in the process. Just know that the procedure will result in a lengthy healing process,” the doctor said after a thorough examination.

    “Please, doctor. I need this,” the woman said.

    The procedure went very successfully. No complications, sutures in the right places, everything was shaping up to heal quicker than expected.

    When the woman woke up, she had three bouquets next to her bed. The first was a modest six roses and a card. The card read, “To my daughter, I hope your recovery is swift. We may have our differences, but I will always love you. – Mum.”

    The second bouquet was two dozen beautiful roses and also had a card. This card read, “I can’t wait to see that delicious slot when it’s healed. I’ll triple the usual rate to have first crack at it! – #1 John.”

    There was a third bouquet that had a dozen roses, a dozen daffodils, a dozen sunflowers, two dozen lilies, and countless protea blooms. But there was no card accompanying it.

    Her doctor came in to follow up on the surgery and after examining her, she said, “Excuse me, doc? I know who these two gifts came from, but there wasn’t a card for the third. I don’t know who to thank for the gesture. Would you happen to know who sent these?”

    The doctor smiled and looked at his feet, as if slightly embarrassed. “Well, ma’am. When we copied your ID for record keeping, we saw you were an organ donor. Those flowers are from someone on the fourth floor burn ward. They wanted to thank you for their new ears.”