March 2018
Wanna be my gf? 15:21
Only if WW3 would start. 15:22
Today
Yo 11:49
Sensitivity: Dark
Dark humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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In Vietnam
Once, the Pentagon realized it had far too many generals and suggested they retire.
It promised that any general who stepped down immediately would receive a pension equal to his salary plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between two points on the general’s body. The generals could choose those points themselves.
The first to agree was an Air Force general. He told the pension officer to measure from the top of his head to the tips of his toes. It came out to six feet. He retired with a check for $720,000.
The second was an Army general. He asked for the distance from the tips of his fingers, with his arms stretched upward, to the tips of his toes. That came out to eight feet. He retired with a check for $960,000.
When the third general, a gray-haired Marine, was asked which two points to measure between, he said, “Measure from the tip of my penis to my testicles.”
The pension officer suggested that perhaps the respected Marine general might want to reconsider, mentioning the generous sums the previous generals had received. But the Marine stood his ground.
A medical officer was called in for such a delicate measurement. He approached the general and asked him to take it out. The general did.
The medical officer placed a ruler at the tip and suddenly recoiled.
“My God!” he exclaimed. “Where are the testicles?”
“In Vietnam,” the general replied.
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I can’t do anything about it
The company I work for is knowingly making defective whistles.
I can’t do anything about it. -
The Three Stages of Marital Sex
A young man is getting ready for his wedding with his dad’s help.
While dressing, the dad says, “So you’re okay on the sex thing, right, son?”
“Yeah, sure, Dad. It’s all cool.”
The dad continues, “So you’re familiar with the three stages of marital sex, are you?”
“The three what?! Whatever, Dad. I got it!”
“No, really,” says the dad. “There are three stages of marital sex.”
“Okay, Dad. I’ll bite. What’s the story?”
The dad says, “There’s honeymoon sex, holiday sex, and hallway sex.
Honeymoon sex is what you would expect – you and your wife can’t get enough of each other. You’re constantly going at it.
But as life gets busy with kids, careers, and bills, the holiday sex stage takes over. You really only have time to get intimate on special occasions.
Then, finally, you reach the stage of hallway sex.”
“What’s that?” the son asks.
“Well, basically, that’s when you and your wife pass each other in the hallway and say, ‘Fuck you.’”
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Don’t let Kevin Bacon die
Ever since Johnny Cash died, we’ve had no cash. Ever since Steve Jobs died, we’ve had no jobs. Please God, don’t let Kevin Bacon die.
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Authorities just found Himalayan there
Did you hear about the guy who collapsed trying to climb Mount Everest?
Authorities just found Himalayan there. -
Who Ate the Cleaner?
Four cannibals apply for a job in a big corporation.
“Well,” says the boss, “if I hire you guys, you have to promise not to eat any of our staff.”
The cannibals promise they won’t eat anyone, and they get hired.
Everything goes well for a while, until one day the boss calls them into his office.
“You’re working well and all, but we’re missing an office cleaner. Do you have something to do with that?”
The cannibals swear they’re innocent.
The boss believes them and leaves the office.
Their leader turns to the others and screams, “You idiots! Who ate the cleaner?”
One of the cannibals sheepishly raises his hand.
“You fool!” shouts the leader.
“For weeks we’ve been feasting on directors, team leaders, project managers, and human resources staff — and then you go and eat someone they’ll actually miss!”
