Sensitivity: PG-13
Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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When Poetry Fails: Johnny’s Unique Strategy
Little Johnny was in school and his English teacher had the students write short poems.
When everyone was done, she asked the students to read them for the class.
Little Jeremy: “I took a walk down by the lake and there I saw a long brown snake.”
Very good Jeremy!
Little Susie: “My oh my! I looked to the sky, and there I saw a butterfly.”
Very good Susie!
Little Johnny: “I couldn’t think of one.”
Teacher. “You go out in the hall and let me know once you do!”
Little Johnny goes and sits in the hall. He’s looking around and figures one out.
He jestures to the teacher who comes and asks him what his poem is.
“As I sat out in the hall, a big cockroach ran up the wall.”
The teacher wasn’t pleased, because she knew Johnny just loved slipping in curse words, but said “Ok, but leave cock out of it.”
Little Johnny comes back in front of the class and reads his poem:
“As I sat out in the hall, I saw a roach run up the wall. With his cock out!”
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High Maintenance? I’m Outta Here!
I had a fling with a lady janitor, she was always stoned so I had to break it off with her…
I’m just not into high maintenance women! -
Blessing with a Side of Cursing!
An old religious woman goes to a pet store to buy a parrot. Everything is fine until she brings it home. It begins to swear uncontrollably: “F this, F that, F you,” and finally the lady can stand it no more.
She grabs the bird, shoves it in the freezer, and slams the door shut. Squawking, shrieking, pounding, and cursing come out of the freezer for a few moments, and then it goes quiet.
The woman is scared that she has hurt the bird and opens the freezer. The parrot walks calmly out and steps gently onto the woman’s outstretched hand. He looks into the lady’s eyes and says, “Ma’am, I am truly sorry if my language offended you, and it will not recur. If I may ask, what did the chicken do?”
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Kids Say the Darndest Goodbyes!
Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.
She says, “God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma, and… goodbye Grandpa.”
He asks her, “Why did you say that?”
“I don’t know, I just felt like saying it.”
The next day, Grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks Dad, that’s an odd coincidence.
A month later, at bedtime, the daughter says, “God bless Mommy and Daddy. And goodbye Grandma.”
Sure enough, the next day Grandma breathes her last earthly breath.
Dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he isn’t sure what to do. He doesn’t want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and Grandpa were her parents).
Months go by, and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime.
“God bless Mommy…” she turns her head and looks straight at him, “…and goodbye Daddy.”“What?! Are you sure, honey?”
She nods.
The man’s heart begins racing, and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can’t sleep at all that night.
The next day, he goes off to work but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings, and awaits the inevitable.
He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally, it is midnight, and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death.
He drives home, drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.
His wife is up and waiting for him.
“Where the hell were you today?!”
He replies, “Don’t shout, I’ve had an absolutely miserable day.”His wife then says, “You had a miserable day? I’m the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps…”
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Baiting the Priest: A Fishy Tale!
Two altar boys are fishing on a dock. One of the boys gets a bite and reels it in. He snatches it up and proclaims to the other altar boy, “Look at this big sum bitch!”
The other altar boy says, “You can’t say that—you’re an altar boy.”
To which he explains, “That’s the name of the fish: sum bitch.”
“Wow, well that is a big sum bitch. Let’s go show it to the priest!”
The two boys run up to the priest, yelling, “Priest, look at this big sum bitch we caught!”
Priest: “You boys can’t talk like that—you’re altar boys!”
Altar boys: “Priest, that’s the name of the fish: sum bitch.”
Priest: “Well, that is a nice sum bitch. Let’s go catch some more of those sum bitches and show ’em to the cardinal!”
So the priest and the boys catch some more of those sum bitches and carry them to show the cardinal.
“Cardinal, look at all these sum bitches we caught!”Cardinal: “I should have you all excommunicated for language like that!”
Altar boys: “Well, that’s the name of the fish: sum bitch.”
Cardinal: “I never in my life have seen such a fine bunch of sum bitches. Let’s take them to the nun and see if she’ll cook up these sum bitches!”
So the altar boys, the priest, and the cardinal go see the nun.
“Nun! Can you cook up these sum bitches for us?!”
Nun: “I ain’t cooking nothing if you boys are gonna talk like that!”
Altar boys: “Nun, that’s the name of the fish: sum bitch!”
Nun: “Well, since you boys went through the trouble of catching all these sum bitches, I reckon I could fry these sum bitches up!”
That night, the pope is visiting town and sits down for supper with the altar boys, priest, cardinal, and nun.Altar boys: “I can’t believe we caught all these sum bitches!”
Priest: “These are the best sum bitches I have ever eaten!”
Cardinal: “Nun, you cooked these sum bitches just right!”
Nun: “I sure did. You boys gotta catch some more of these sum bitches!”
The pope looks around at everyone with a surprised look on his face. He cracks a grin and says, “Y’all motherfuckers are alright!”
