I asked some girl if she was interested in experiencing the best sex in her life.
“No!” she quickly replies.
“Then you’re lucky because you’re talking to the right guy,” I said.
Sensitivity: Questionable
Questionable humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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If She Dies She Dies
A 95-year-old man went to see his doctor. He said, “Doc, I’m marrying a 25-year-old girl, and I need some Viagra for my wedding night.”
The doctor said, “I’ve got to warn you, as long as you’ve been celibate, that could prove to be fatal.”
The old man said, “Doc, if she dies, she dies.”
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She’s Intuit
I convinced my wife to do a sexy role play with me where we pretend to be financial corporations.
She’s Intuit.
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The Birthday Surprise
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot, and so did my kids. I went to work, and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!” I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment.
We went there, and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?” “Okay,” I said.
She came out five minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, and my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!”
…while I was waiting naked on the sofa.
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Read My Lips — POSSE
An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief.
The chief says to the cowboy, “You’re going to die. But we’re sorry for you, so we’ll give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown on the third day, you die. What first wish?”
The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse.”
The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse’s ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back.
The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians look at each other, figuring, “Typical white man… only thinks one thing.”
The second day, the chief says, “What wish today?” The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.” The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse’s ear, then slaps it on the back.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians shake their heads, figuring, “Typical white man going to die tomorrow… can only think one thing.”
The last day comes, and the chief says, “This last wish, white man. What want?”
The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.”
The Indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, “Read my lips, you idiot! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!”
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Ten Cent Beer
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
The bartender says, “Sure thing — that’ll be ten cents.”
“Ten cents?!” the man says, stunned. He looks at the menu and asks, “Alright… what about a big steak dinner and a nice bottle of wine?”
“That’ll be a dollar,” the bartender replies.
“A dollar?! This is the best deal I’ve ever seen! Where’s the owner of this bar?”
The bartender points upstairs and says, “He’s up there… with my wife.”
The man frowns and asks, “What’s he doing with your wife?”
The bartender shrugs and says, “Same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”
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Little Johnny and the Pastor
Little Johnny was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.
As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, “Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”
The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple of blocks and turn to your right.”
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new pastor in town. I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday — I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”
Little Johnny replied with a chuckle, “You’re bullshitting me, right? You don’t even know the way to the Post Office!”
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Such a Small Organ
In bed with a priest, a nun said, “Father, I never expected you’d have such a small organ.”
He replied, “Why, Sister… I never expected to be playing in such a large cathedral.”
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The Dress in Church and on the Subway
A guy walks into a bar with a black eye. They ask what happened. He says, “Well, I was in church and we all stood up to sing. There was a big woman in front of me and I couldn’t help but notice that her dress didn’t fall properly, as some of it was bunched up in her butt area. I tried to look away, but I just couldn’t, so I reached forward, gave the dress a little tug, and it improved. But she immediately turned around and punched me in the eye!”
The next week the guy comes in and his eye has mostly healed, but the other one is bruised. They ask what happened and he says,
“Well, I was on the subway, and the same lady, wearing the same dress, was standing in front of me…”
“You didn’t learn your lesson from the last time?” they ask.
He says, “No, check it out: the guy next to me was also looking at her butt, and sure enough, I saw him reach forward and tug on the dress, and it was no longer bunched into her butt…”
“But I knew she didn’t like that, so with my pointing finger, I quickly pushed it back in. I guess she didn’t like that either, because she punched me.”
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The First Few Days Were the Hardest
I recently joined a nudist colony.
The first few days were the hardest.
