Tone: Clever

Clever humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Irishman and the Ten Pint Bet

    A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and shouts, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers! I’ll put down $500 to anyone who can drink 10 pints back-to-back!”

    The entire pub goes silent. Nobody moves.

    Then one Irishman quietly stands up and walks straight out the door.

    About 30 minutes later, he returns, taps the Texan on the shoulder, and asks, “That bet still good?”

    “Sure is!” the Texan says.

    The bartender lines up ten pints — full glasses from one end of the bar to the other.

    Without a blink, the Irishman downs all 10 pints in a row and slams the last one down like a champion.

    The bar erupts with cheers. The Texan pays the $500 — totally stunned.

    He asks, “If you don’t mind me askin’, where’d you run off to for that half hour?”

    The Irishman grins, “Oh, I just popped down to the pub around the corner to see if I could do it first.”

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  • Only 40,000 Miles Now

    A woman wanted to sell her car but couldn’t find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked how many miles were on the car.

    “235,000,” she said.

    Her friend told her that was the problem but said her brother was a mechanic who could roll the mileage back to whatever she wanted.

    So the woman went to the mechanic and told him to set it to 40,000.

    Two days later, her friend asked if she had sold the car now that the mileage had been lowered.

    The woman replied, “Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it now!”

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  • Words at the Funeral

    A man asked a widow if he could say a word at her husband’s funeral.

    “Certainly,” she replied.

    He stood up and said, “Plethora.”

    The widow smiled and said, “Thanks, that means a lot.”

    Another man stood up and said, “Bargain.”

    The widow replied, “Thanks, that means a great deal.”

    Yet another stood up and said, “Earth.”

    “Thanks,” she said. “That means the world.”

    Another man stood and said, “Infinity.”

    The widow smiled and replied, “Thanks, that means more than you can imagine.”

    Yet another stood up and said, “Retirement.”

    The widow said, “Thanks, my husband would have loved that.”

    Finally, one man simply held up a sprig of Mentha spicata.

    The widow smiled and said, “Thanks, that’s a lovely scent of mint.”

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  • The Right Guy

    I asked some girl if she was interested in experiencing the best sex in her life.

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    “No!” she quickly replies.

    “Then you’re lucky because you’re talking to the right guy,” I said.

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  • If She Dies She Dies

    A 95-year-old man went to see his doctor. He said, “Doc, I’m marrying a 25-year-old girl, and I need some Viagra for my wedding night.”

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    The doctor said, “I’ve got to warn you, as long as you’ve been celibate, that could prove to be fatal.”

    The old man said, “Doc, if she dies, she dies.”

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  • Statistically Safe

    An old man was celebrating his 100th birthday with his family.

    One of them asked him if he had any worries about his health and future, and he replied:

    “I have no worries at all! Statistically, very few people die between their 100th and 101st birthday!”

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  • Four Deviants in a Bar

    A sadist, zoophile, necrophile and masochist meet in a bar…

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    Sadist: “We should get ourselves a chicken and kill it!”

    Zoophile: “We should get ourselves a chicken, have sex with it, and then kill it!”

    Necrophile: “We should get ourselves a chicken, have sex with it, kill it, and then have sex with it again!”

    Masochist: “BWAK BOK BOK BOK”

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  • What Do You Have On

    A woman sits down next to a man in a bar and says, “You smell good. What do you have on?”

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    And the man says, “I have a hard-on but I didn’t know you could smell it.”

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  • The Squire of the High Pot and Noose

    A perfectly triangular lake has three kingdoms along its three sides.

    The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people.

    The second kingdom is more humble, but still enjoys its fair share of wealth and influence.

    The third kingdom is poor and struggling, with barely enough resources to maintain an army.

    Eventually, the three kingdoms go to war over control of the lake, which has become a valuable resource.

    The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armor money can buy, each accompanied by a personal squire.

    The second kingdom sends 50 knights, equipped with fine leather armor and supported by several dozen squires of their own.

    The third kingdom can only send a single knight — an elderly warrior long past his prime — along with his faithful squire.

    The night before the great battle, the knights of the first kingdom drink and celebrate late into the night.

    The knights of the second kingdom aren’t quite as wealthy, but they still have enough grog to keep the festivities going well into the evening.

    In the third camp, things are much quieter. The squire takes a rope and throws it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose. He hangs a cooking pot from it, fills it with stew, and shares a humble dinner with the old knight.

    The next morning, disaster strikes. The knights of the first two kingdoms are too hungover to fight. The old knight from the third kingdom is simply too old and weary to rise from his bed.

    So instead, the squires from all three kingdoms march into battle.

    The fighting lasts all day and well into the night. When the dust finally settles, only one squire remains standing: the squire from the third kingdom.

    And that just goes to show you that: The squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

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  • The Birthday Surprise

    Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot, and so did my kids. I went to work, and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday.

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    As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!” I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment.

    We went there, and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?” “Okay,” I said.

    She came out five minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, and my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!”

    …while I was waiting naked on the sofa.

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