Tone: Clever

Clever humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Smuggler at the Border

    At the border, a man rides up on a bicycle with a sack on the luggage rack.

    The customs officer stops him and asks, “Do you have anything to declare?”

    “Nothing,” the man replies.

    “And what’s in the sack?”

    “Sand.”

    The officer inspects the sack. Sure enough, nothing but sand.

    The next day, the man returns on the bicycle with another sack of sand.

    Again, the officer checks it. Nothing but sand.

    This goes on every day for a week.

    By the eighth day, the officer has become increasingly suspicious. He sifts the sand. Nothing.

    The man continues crossing the border every day. After two more weeks, the officer finally sends the sand off to a laboratory for analysis.

    The results come back: nothing but sand.

    Another month passes. By now, the customs officer is losing his mind.

    Finally, he pulls the man aside and says, “Listen… off the record, between you and me, I promise I won’t tell a soul. But you have to tell me what you’re smuggling.”

    The man looks around carefully, leans in, and whispers:

    “Bicycles.”

  • The German at McDonald’s

    A German man walks into a McDonald’s in the United States…

    After waiting in line, he finally gets to the counter, and he orders a pint of beer, because you can get beer at McDonald’s in Germany.

    An American customer overhears the man’s order, and he approaches the German man and says, “How could you be so stupid? You cannot order beer here.” while laughing at the German man right to his face.

    The German man thinks for a second and then he starts laughing uncontrollably. Not just any laugh. This is a laugh so intense that he is struggling not to fall over.

    The American customer is no longer laughing. He now has a puzzled look on his face. He asks the German man, “What’s so funny?”

    The German man says, “I just realised that you came here for the food.”

  • The Teen and the Exam Excuse

    A smart-mouthed teen at the back of the class raised his hand and asked…

    “Miss, what would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”

    The entire class broke out in laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said… “Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand.”

  • The Sisters and the Town Name

    Two retired sisters from Ohio were on a road trip, taking their time and enjoying the scenery across the South. They had snacks in the car, country music on the radio, and plenty to chat about.

    As they drove through Texas, they kept seeing signs for a town called Nacogdoches. Before long, they started arguing about how on earth you’re supposed to pronounce it.

    One sister insisted the “g” was silent and the ending sounded like “cheese.” The other said it must be a soft “j” sound, with the ending pronounced “shay.”

    Every time another road sign appeared, the debate started all over again. Neither one was willing to back down, and it got more serious with every mile.

    Finally, they reached the town itself, and one sister said, “That’s it, we’re settling this. Let’s stop somewhere and ask a local how to say it properly.”

    They pulled into a small fast-food place and walked up to the counter to order lunch. After paying, one sister smiled and said, “Excuse me, could you help us with something?”

    “We’ve been arguing about how to pronounce the name of this place for over an hour. Would you mind saying it out loud for us… nice and slow?”

    The young man behind the counter looked at them, paused for a moment, then nodded. Very slowly and clearly, he said, “Burrr… ger… King.”

  • The End Was in Sight

    As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.

  • Only Have a Croc Pot

    I was going to cook alligator for dinner…

    But then I realized I only have a croc pot.

  • Billy Ray and Bubba at the Bar

    Billy Ray and Bubba walked into a bar and ordered a couple of drinks. Then they took sandwiches from paper bags they had brought from home and began to eat.

    Seeing this, the angry bar owner approached them and says, “Excuse me, you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!”

    Billy Ray and Bubba looked at each other, shrugged, and exchanged sandwiches.

  • Little Johnny and the Farm Chores

    Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

    “Not yet,” says Little Johnny.

    His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. He’s a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows and kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and kicks a pig.

    He goes back in for breakfast, and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

    “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

    “Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”

    Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

    Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

  • The Three Nuns at the Pearly Gates

    Three nuns on a monthly trip to the city to sell goods from the convent’s garden got hit by a drunk driver and killed. They all went to heaven where they were met by St. Peter at the gate.

    St. Peter, seeing that they were nuns, told them, “Well, ladies, seeing that you are all religious types, we’ll have to administer a little admissions test before letting you in. Nothing to worry about. Only one question.”

    St. Peter asks the first nun, “OK, your question is: Who was the first man on earth?”

    The nun replies, “Oh, that’s easy. It was Adam.”

    Lights flash. Horns blow. The gates open wide and she was let in.

    St. Peter then asks the second nun, “OK, your question is: Who was the first woman on earth?”

    The nun replies, “Oh, that’s easy. It was Eve.”

    And again, lights flash. Horns blow. The gates open wide and she was let in.

    St. Peter then tells the third nun, “Well, you ladies are really on top of things. I’ll have to think of a more difficult question. Oh, I have it. Your question is: What was the first thing Eve said to Adam when she saw him?”

    The third nun gets a rather confused look on her face, begins scratching her head and finally replies, “Gee, that’s a hard one.”

    Lights flash. Horns blow. The gates open wide and she was let in.