Being a literalist can sometimes be very helpful.
I can always respond to “Do these jeans make my ass look fat?” with a confident and honest “No.”
But I dread the day when she rephrases it as “Does my ass look fat in these jeans?”
Tone: Clever
Clever humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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The Preacher and Mrs O’Malley
“Mrs O’Malley, good morning,” greeted the preacher.
“Good morning, Pastor,” she replied.
“Last week, your husband walked out during the sermon. I hope nothing too serious is the matter?”
“Nothing too serious, just that he has a tendency for sleepwalking.”
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The Dog-Friendly Hotel
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote, “I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware, or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here too.”
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The Four Seniors and the Christmas Golf Game
Four seniors were playing their weekly game of golf when one remarked how great it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed, go directly to the golf course, and play eighteen holes together.
The others chimed in and said, “Let’s do this! We’ll make it a priority — and each of us must figure out a way to meet here early Christmas morning!”
Several months later, it’s Christmas morning, and each man is at the golf course as promised, ready to play golf just as they’d discussed.
The first guy says, “Boy, this round has cost me a fortune! I had to buy my wife a diamond ring that she really wanted.”
The second guy remarks, “I spent a ton of money too. My wife is at home with travel brochures all over the place, planning a cruise I had to give her.”
The third guy says, “Well, my wife is at home admiring the new car I agreed to buy for her.”
They all turned to the fourth guy, who was staring at them and shaking his head as if they’d all lost their minds.
He said, “I can’t believe you guys spent so much. Let me tell you what I did. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Merry Christmas, babe! It looks like a great morning, so it’s either gonna be the golf course or intercourse?’”
And she said, “You’ll need a sweater, and don’t forget your hat!”
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Little Johnny and the Spelling Lesson
A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” and that also ate things.
The first little boy said, “Alligator.” “Very good James, that’s a big word.”
The second boy said, “Predator.” “Yes, that’s another big word Alan, well done.”
Little Johnny says, “Vibrator.”
After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, “That’s a big word Johnny, but it doesn’t eat anything.”
“Well my mother has one and she says it eats batteries like there’s no tomorrow!”
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He Was 0K
A chemist froze himself at -273.15°C, and everyone said he was crazy.
It turns out that he was 0K.
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Too Many Probing Questions
Why do aliens make such bad therapists?
They ask too many probing questions.
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The Fifteen-Dollar Porsche
A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream at him…
“Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “Don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother. “She must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there!
Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that’s exactly what I did.”
