Tone: Clever

Clever humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • O’Brien’s Dog Was a Catholic

    O’Brien lived alone in the Irish countryside for many years, with just his dog for company.

    One day, the dog died, and O’Brien went to see Father Mullaney, the parish priest.

    “Father, me darlin’ pup has passed on. I was wonderin’, could ya be sayin’ a mass for the poor creature?”

    “Ah, I’m afraid not, we can’t be havin’ services for an animal in the church. But there’s a few Baptists down the road and there’s no tellin’ what they’re believin’ in. Maybe they’ll do somethin’ for the poor creature.”

    “I’ll be headin’ off straight away, Father. Do ye think five grand would be enough to donate for the service?”

    “Sweet Mary, mother o’ Jesus! Why didn’t ye tell me the dog was a bleedin’ Catholic?”

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  • The Medical Student’s Diagnosis

    While making his rounds, a doctor points to an X-ray and addresses a group of medical students.

    “As you can see,” he says, “this patient limps because his left tibia and fibula are severely bowed.”

    The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?”

    “Well,” says the student, “I suppose I’d limp too.”

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  • Little Johnny and the Pastor

    Little Johnny was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.

    As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, “Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”

    The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple of blocks and turn to your right.”

    The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new pastor in town. I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday — I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”

    Little Johnny replied with a chuckle, “You’re bullshitting me, right? You don’t even know the way to the Post Office!”

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  • The Hamster and the Singing Frog

    A mangy-lookin’ guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.”

    The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?”

    The bartender says, “Only if what you show me ain’t risque.”

    “Deal!” says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

    The bartender says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.”

    The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

    “Money or another miracle, else no drink,” says the bartender.

    The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvellous voice and great pitch — a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it.

    The bartender says to the guy, “Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!”

    “Not so,” says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist!”

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  • The Pain Transfer Machine

    A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

    Upon their arrival, the doctor explained that he had invented a new machine that could transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the baby’s father.

    He asked if they would be willing to try it. Both of them were enthusiastic about the idea.

    The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% to start, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the husband had ever experienced before.

    As the labor progressed, however, the husband felt perfectly fine and asked the doctor to increase it.

    The doctor adjusted the machine to transfer 20% of the pain.

    The husband still felt great.

    Amazed, the doctor checked his blood pressure and found everything completely normal.

    Since he was handling it so well, they decided to increase the transfer to 50%.

    The husband continued to feel comfortable, and the pain relief was helping the wife considerably.

    Encouraged by the results, the husband told the doctor to go ahead and transfer all of the pain to him.

    The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no discomfort.

    She and her husband were ecstatic.

    When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

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  • The Importance of Vocabulary

    A kid asks his dad, “My English teacher says that it’s important to have a good vocabulary. Is that true?”

    And his dad says, “Absolutely, son. For example… If I had known the difference between the words ‘antidote’ and ‘anecdote,’ your mother would be alive today.”

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  • The Man Who Cracked Walnuts with His Penis

    A traveling circus came to town, and a man decided to go see it. There were animals, clowns, jugglers — lots of impressive acts. But the most impressive performer was a man who could crack walnuts with his penis.

    Twenty-five years later, the same circus returned. Curious, the man went back to see if that performer was still around.

    Sure enough, there he was. Same act, but this time he was smashing coconuts instead of walnuts.

    After the show, the man went backstage and said, “I remember you from 25 years ago. Back then you were cracking walnuts with your penis. Why did you switch to coconuts?”

    The performer sighed and replied, “I’m getting old… My eyesight isn’t what it used to be.”

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  • Hair Remover for the Schnauzer

    A lady was showing her dog at all of the local shows but despite having a tremendous dog, she never placed higher than third. She cornered one of the judges after one show and asked why her dog never won.

    “Well, the problem is that your dog has too much hair between its toes and we have to deduct points because of that. You have a great dog, but it’s not winning because of the hair between its toes.”

    Upset, the lady said, “But I trim it as close as possible! What can I do!?”

    “Well,” the judge said, “go to the pharmacy and get some liquid hair remover and put it between your dog’s toes. You’ll be able to pull the hair right out and you’ll win best in show, I guarantee it!”

    So the lady rushed to the pharmacy to find the liquid hair remover. She went up and down every aisle but couldn’t find it. The pharmacist saw her searching and asked if he could help.

    “I’m looking for liquid hair remover, and I can’t find it,” she said.

    The pharmacist said, “It’s on aisle ten. I’ll show you.”

    He walked her over and picked up the bottle. As he handed it to her he said, “Now, after you use this, you can’t wear panty hose for a couple of days because the chemicals will bond the nylon to your skin.”

    The lady said, “Oh, it’s not for my legs, it’s for my schnauzer.”

    And the pharmacist said, “Well in that case, don’t ride a bicycle for at least a week.”

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  • The Dress in Church and on the Subway

    A guy walks into a bar with a black eye. They ask what happened. He says, “Well, I was in church and we all stood up to sing. There was a big woman in front of me and I couldn’t help but notice that her dress didn’t fall properly, as some of it was bunched up in her butt area. I tried to look away, but I just couldn’t, so I reached forward, gave the dress a little tug, and it improved. But she immediately turned around and punched me in the eye!”

    The next week the guy comes in and his eye has mostly healed, but the other one is bruised. They ask what happened and he says,

    “Well, I was on the subway, and the same lady, wearing the same dress, was standing in front of me…”

    “You didn’t learn your lesson from the last time?” they ask.

    He says, “No, check it out: the guy next to me was also looking at her butt, and sure enough, I saw him reach forward and tug on the dress, and it was no longer bunched into her butt…”

    “But I knew she didn’t like that, so with my pointing finger, I quickly pushed it back in. I guess she didn’t like that either, because she punched me.”

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  • Not That Into Her

    A woman breaks up with a man with a small penis. His friends were amazed he didn’t seem hurt or fazed by the breakup.

    “It’s okay,” he said. “I wasn’t that into her.”

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