Clever humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing-eye dog. Once inside, he suddenly picks up the dog by its leash and begins swinging it around in circles over his head.
The panicked store manager runs up and asks, “Sir, sir! Can I help you?”
The man replies, “No thank you. Just looking around.”
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he has trouble getting a clean shave because his cheeks are wrinkled with age.
The barber pulls a small wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and says, “Put this inside your cheek. It’ll stretch the skin and make it easier to shave.”
The cowboy does as he’s told, and the barber gives him the cleanest shave he’s had in years.
As he’s leaving, the cowboy asks, “What would happen if I accidentally swallowed that little ball?”
The barber thinks for a moment and says, “Just bring it back in a couple of days, like everyone else does.”
A man is sentenced to prison for a non-violent crime. He’s scared, but on the first night he notices something strange.
It’s after lights out and all the inmates are in their cells, when a voice from one of the cells yells out, “2467!” And all cells resound with laughter.
After a brief silence, another voice shouts out, “7113!” Again, all the other inmates burst out laughing in their cells.
Puzzled, he asks his neighbor what’s going on. “We love to tell jokes at night,” comes the reply. “But since we’ve been here so long we know them all and have them numbered. So we just yell out the number!”
This goes on for some time. At last, wanting to get in on the action, he decides to try his luck. He boldly shouts out, “557!”
But there is an awkward silence. After a while the sounds die down and it seems like everyone is settling down for bed.
He asks his neighbor what the problem was.
“What can I say, kid. It’s just your delivery that stinks.”
One evening, an impeccably dressed older gentleman walked into a very expensive restaurant in Paris’s 6th arrondissement. He wore a tailored suit, a silk tie and highly polished black Gucci shoes.
The gentleman ordered champagne, foie gras, lobster and a vintage bottle of Bordeaux. For dessert, he selected the most expensive item on the menu and ordered a brandy.
When he had finished his meal, the waiter presented him with the bill.
The gentleman looked at the waiter and said, “I don’t know if you remember me, but many, many years ago, I was quite down on my luck. I came here for a meal and, when it came time to pay, I couldn’t.”
The waiter looked at him more closely.
“You publicly humiliated me,” the gentleman continued. “You had security march me through the restaurant and throw me out into the street.”
The waiter suddenly remembered the incident. His face turned bright red and he began apologizing profusely.
The gentleman held up his hand.
“Don’t worry, old chap,” he said. “I’m terribly sorry, but I’m going to have to ask you to do it again.”
When you think about it, it’s the worst possible place for her to sell seashells.
The fact that “hemorrhoids” aren’t called “asteroids” is a major missed opportunity for science, health, and the English language.
An elderly couple driving get pulled over by a cop. The woman is behind the wheel, and is a bit hard of hearing.
The cop: “Ma’am, you were speeding.”
She turns to her husband: “What? What did he say?”
He shouts into her ear: “You were speeding!”
The cop: “Your license, please.”
Once again, she turns to her husband: “What did he say?”
He shouts even louder into her ear: “Give him your license!”
She hands it over.
The cop looks at it and says: “Oh, you’re from Arkansas. I remember being there once… and having the absolute worst sex of my life.”
The woman: “What? What did he say?”
The husband shouts into her ear: “He said he knows you!”
Two lawyers walk into a restaurant, sit down at a table, order coffee, and pull out their sandwiches.
An annoyed waitress rushes over and says, “Excuse me, you can’t eat your own food here!”
The lawyers look at her, then at each other, and exchange sandwiches.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness?
He pastaway.
Cannoli do so much.
Now hes just a pizza history.
A cocky lawyer tells a country boy, “If you can’t answer my question, you owe me $5. If I can’t answer yours, I owe you $5,000.”
The boy asks: “What has three legs going up a hill, but five legs coming down?”
The lawyer searches the internet for an hour, gives up, and hands the boy $5,000.
“Alright,” the lawyer snaps, “so what is it?”
The boy silently hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
