What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches watches.
Tone: Clever
Clever humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Cunning Stunts
What’s the difference between a magician’s wand and a policeman’s taser?
The magician’s wand is for cunning stunts.
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Rollerblades in Heaven
Three guys die in a car crash and are standing at heaven’s gates to get in.
The first guy walks up to the gates. The angel says, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?” He replies, “I’ve never cheated on my wife.” The angel says, “Here are the keys to your Mercedes-Benz. Take them, drive through the gate, and have everlasting happiness.”
The second guy walks up to the gates. The angel says, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?” He replies, “Two, maybe three times.” The angel says, “Here are the keys to your Honda Civic. Take them, drive through the gates, and have everlasting happiness.”
The third guy walks up to the gates. The angel says, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?” He says, “Oh God, I have no clue, I can’t remember.” The angel says, “Here are the keys to your Ford Pinto. Take them, drive through the gates, and have everlasting happiness.”
Later on, the second and the third guy come across the first guy who never cheated on his wife. And he’s sitting on the hood of his car crying. They said, “What’s wrong? You have a beautiful car, you’re in heaven, and you have everlasting happiness. Why are you crying?”
He replied, “I just saw my wife go by on a pair of rollerblades.”
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I Train SEALs Not Dolphins
An older gentleman had his car stopped at a red light when a young rich asshole hit him with his Impala. Though the impact barely made a dent in either car, when both drivers went out to assess the damage, the asshole went ballistic.
“Look what you did to my Impala! It’s ruined! I’m gonna sue you! You owe me a new car.”
The older gentleman looked genuinely remorseful. “I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t think I can afford to replace an Impala.”
“Then I’m gonna beat your ass right here!” the asshole retorted.
The older gentleman looked at the asshole. “I have a better idea. My son is visiting for the holidays, he’s in the passenger seat of my car. You two can fight it out, since I clearly would be no match for you in a physical fight. If you win, I’ll gladly pay for a new Impala, but if he wins, you knock off this nonsense.”
“What does your son do for a living?” the asshole asked.
“He trains dolphins.”
The asshole laughed. “Trains dolphins? Easy fight. OK, call your son here.”
The older gentleman called for his son. A minute later, a tall, extremely muscular young man in a Navy uniform steps out and proceeds to beat the asshole into pudding in ten seconds. The son then looks at his father and says:
“Pop, I keep telling you, I train SEALs, not dolphins.”
