Tone: Clever

Clever humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Clarence Buys a Cheap Suit

    Clarence goes downtown to buy an inexpensive, or rather, a cheap suit.

    He goes into one store and every suit is $50 as is. The closest one to his size had the right leg 3 inches longer than the left one and the left jacket sleeve was three inches longer than the right.

    The store owner commented, “You can’t expect much for $50. But here is what you do. As you walk around in the suit, hike up your right hip so the pant legs will look the same size. Do the same thing with your left shoulder and the sleeves will look OK.”

    Clarence agrees and starts to walk to his car. As he does, he passes two ministers walking with one another.

    After they pass, one of the ministers says to the other, “Wow, it must be difficult for him to walk around.”

    “I know, but his suit fits perfectly.”

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  • A Bird With Long Legs and a Tight Pussy

    A guy walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat in tow. They take a seat and the man orders a round of drinks. The barman serves the guy but doesn’t say anything — just watches the guy with his ostrich and cat intently.

    A small argument breaks out between the man and the cat, with the cat flatly refusing to buy a round. So the man relents and goes to the bar, and the barman, his curiosity piqued, asks, “Hey mate, what’s with the ostrich and the cat?”

    The guy replies, “Well, I was walking down the street and I came across a magic lamp, so I gave it a rub and a genie appeared and granted me one wish.”

    The barman, fascinated, listens intently as the guy continues his story: “So with my one wish, I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy.”

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  • The Witch Doctor’s Second Opinion

    A sailor on leave in the south Pacific finds that his whoring and carrying on has caught up with him and he’s come down with a horrible venereal disease of some kind. So, he consults the ship’s surgeon and is mortified when the doctor tells him that there’s nothing else for it — the organ must be amputated.

    Desperate for an alternative, he tries consulting local doctors, nurses, medicine men — whoever he can find. Way out in the boonies, he consults a witch doctor on the problem and explains that he desperately wants to avoid the amputation.

    The witch doctor looks at him with a frown and a sigh. “Those western doctors — all they know how to do is cut, cut, cut! There’s no need for that.”

    “So, we don’t have to amputate!?”

    “Not at all. Two… three more weeks and it’ll fall off on its own.”

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  • The Sparrow the Cow and the Cat

    Little sparrow was flying south, running away from winter. Unfortunately it was so cold, that the bird froze and fell onto a pasture. A cow was passing by and took a dump on the bird. Because the turd was warm, it thawed the sparrow and it started feeling better. He sat in the turd, and soon he felt so happy that it started chirping. But a cat was passing nearby, who heard the bird’s song, then pulled it out of the turd and ate it.

    The moral:

    Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

    Not everyone who pulls you out of shit is your friend.

    If you’re in deep shit, don’t tweet about it.

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  • The Bilingual Dog Secretary

    The CEO of a company was in need of a secretary.

    He spread ads all over town. A few days later, there was a knock on his door. It was a dog. He had a newspaper in his mouth. He opened it to the classifieds page and pointed to the ad that the CEO had placed. The CEO was impressed. But he thought it was a joke, so he decided to test the dog:

    “Look, I need a secretary who understands the basics of computers.”

    The dog went to one of the secretary’s desks, climbed on the chair, turned on the computer and the printer in total tranquility.

    The CEO was amazed, but decided to go further:

    “That’s good, but I need a secretary who understands spreadsheets.”

    The dog quickly opened Excel, scanned rows and columns of data and then used pivot tables to create dashboards of charts. The astonished CEO desperately followed:

    “Well, that’s really fantastic, but my secretary must be bilingual!”

    The dog replied: “Meow.”

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  • My Lawyer

    So the boss gets a hot new secretary, and almost immediately they start having an affair. However, within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is performing at work: coming to work late, ignoring phone calls, and so on.

    Finally, he pulls her aside and says, “Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?”

    And the secretary says, “My lawyer.”

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  • Right Around the Entrance

    Patient: Doctor, my bottom hurts.

    Doctor: Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?

    Patient: Right around the entrance.

    Doctor: As long as you call it the entrance, it will hurt.

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  • Turn It Around

    A man walks into a bar and orders a Screwdriver, so the bartender hands him an apple.

    Confused, the man says, “Bartender, I would like the drink.” The bartender shakes his head no and says, “Just eat the apple.”

    The man takes a bite out of the apple and to his surprise he says, “Wow, this tastes like vodka!” and the bartender says, “Turn it around.” So the man turns the apple around and takes another bite and says, “This side tastes like orange juice!” and he walks away eating the rest of the apple.

    A few minutes later he asks the bartender for another drink. “I would like a Mimosa,” he says. The bartender reaches under the bar and hands the man another apple. Tired of apples, the man asks for the drink again and the bartender refuses and tells him to just eat the apple. He takes a bite and again to his surprise the apple tastes like champagne. “Wow, this is a cool trick!” The bartender again tells the man, “Turn it around.” The man turns the apple around, takes another bite and again it’s orange juice!

    A few minutes go by and the man approaches the bar heavy in thought. He says to the bartender, “You know, if we can make these apples taste like pussy we could be rich!” The bartender reaches under the bar and hands the man another apple. “No way!” says the man as he mouth-wateringly takes a huge bite out of the apple. Almost immediately he spits apple chunks everywhere and on the verge of vomiting he yells at the bartender, “This apple tastes like SHIT!”

    And so the bartender said, “Turn it around.”

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  • He Would Never Use Your Golf Clubs

    A husband and wife are sitting on the couch when the husband looks over and says, “Honey, if I died, would you get remarried?”

    The wife thinks about it and says, “Well, we have a beautiful house, and I don’t want to be alone, so… yes, I probably would.”

    The husband looks a bit hurt. “Would you let him live in our house?”

    “It’s a great house, and it’s paid off, so yes, we’d live here.”

    “Would he sleep in our bed?”

    “It’s a brand-new mattress, so yes, he probably would.”

    “Would he use my golf clubs?”

    “Oh, absolutely not,” the wife snaps. “He’s left-handed.”

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  • The Student Discount at the Brothel

    A student comes to a brothel and says, “I want sex, but I’m a student, I don’t have much money.”

    They tell him, “Okay, we have a special offer for students: it costs $1 to insert, $1 to pull out.” The student chose a girl, they went to the room. They got into bed, started. He put it in her and doesn’t move. She screams, “Pull out, pull out!” He replies, “I’m out of money.”

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