Doctor: “I’m afraid you have a bad case of onomatopoeia.”
Patient: “What’s that?”
Doctor: “I’m afraid it’s exactly what it sounds like.”
Tone: Clever
Clever humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Asking for Aspirin While Winking
A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well with one problem — he kept winking at the camera.
The interviewer said, “Although you have a lot of the qualities we’re looking for, the fact that you keep winking is a real problem. I’m afraid we won’t be able to hire you unless you get it under control.”
“Oh, that’s no problem,” said the man. “If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking for a couple of hours. More than enough time to get the broadcast done.”
“Alright, show me,” said the interviewer.
So the man reached into his pocket. First, he put his hand in his right pocket, and as he took it out he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety and size, but no pills. Next he dug into his left pocket, and again pulled out an embarrassing amount of condoms in all shapes and colors before finally finding the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin, and the second take went without a single hitch.
The interviewer said, “That’s amazing, I’d hire you on the spot, except that we’re not in the habit of hiring such womanizers. We’ve had too many sexual harassment suits.”
“Excuse me!” exclaimed the man. “I’m a happily married man, not a womanizer!”
“Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?” asked the interviewer.
The man sighed, “Have you ever tried going into a pharmacy, asking for aspirin, and winking all the while?”
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Shit Happens According to Religion
Taoism — Shit happens.
Buddhism — If shit happens, it’s not really shit.
Islam — If shit happens, it’s the will of Allah.
Protestantism — Shit happens because you don’t work hard enough.
Judaism — Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism — This shit happened before.
Catholicism — Shit happens because you’re bad.
Hare Krishna — Shit happens rama rama.
T.V. Evangelism — Send more shit.
Atheism — No shit.
Jehovah’s Witness — Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism — There’s nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science — Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism — Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn’t.
Rastafarianism — Let’s smoke this shit.
Existentialism — What is shit anyway?
Stoicism — This shit doesn’t bother me.
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Not Another Breathalyser
One day, while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding.
He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.
“I’ve pulled you over for speeding, ma’am. Could I see your driver’s license?”
“What’s a license?” replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
“It’s usually in your wallet,” replied the officer.
After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
“Now, may I see your registration?” asked the cop.
“Registration… what’s that?” asked the blonde.
“It’s usually in your glove compartment,” said the cop impatiently.
After some more fumbling, she found the registration.
“I’ll be back in a minute,” said the cop and walked back to his car.
The officer called in to dispatch to run a check on the woman’s license and registration.
After a few moments, the dispatcher came back. “Ummm… is this woman driving a red sports car?”
“Yes,” replied the officer.
“Is she a drop-dead gorgeous blonde?” asked the dispatcher.
“Uh… yes,” replied the cop.
“Here’s what you do,” said the dispatcher. “Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants.”
“What? I can’t do that. It’s… inappropriate,” exclaimed the cop.
“Trust me. Just do it,” said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs, “Ohh no… not another breathalyser…”
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The Detective Exam
A police officer is interviewing three recruits who are training to become detectives.
To test their observational skills, he shows the first recruit a photograph of a suspect for five seconds before hiding it.
“This is your suspect,” he says. “How would you recognize him?”
The first recruit answers, “Easy. We’d catch him right away because he only has one eye.”
The officer sighs. “That’s because I showed you his side profile.”
Trying again, he shows the same photo to the second recruit for five seconds. “This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?”
The second recruit smiles confidently. “Even easier. He only has one ear.”
Now the officer is furious. “What’s wrong with you two? Of course he only has one eye and one ear. It’s a side-profile photo! Can’t either of you come up with a better answer?”
Completely exasperated, he turns to the third recruit. “This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?” Then he adds, “And think carefully before you give me another ridiculous answer.”
The third recruit studies the photo for a moment. “The suspect wears contact lenses.”
The officer blinks in surprise. He doesn’t actually know whether the suspect wears contacts.
“That’s… an interesting observation. Wait here while I check his file.”
A few minutes later, the officer returns with a huge smile. “Incredible! You’re right. The suspect really does wear contact lenses. How on earth did you figure that out?”
“Simple,” the third recruit replies. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”
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If I Have to Roll My Own So Does She
A man walks into a pharmacy and spends several minutes wandering up and down the aisles. Eventually, a clerk asks if he needs any help.
“I’m looking for a box of tampons for my wife,” he says.
The clerk points him to the right aisle.
A few minutes later, the man returns carrying a giant bag of cotton balls and a spool of string, then sets them on the counter.
The clerk looks puzzled. “Sir, I don’t mean to be nosy, and feel free not to answer, but I thought you were buying tampons for your wife.”
“You see,” the man says, “yesterday I sent my wife to the store for a carton of cigarettes. She came home with a tin of tobacco and a pack of rolling papers because, according to her, ‘It’s soooo much cheaper.’
“So if I have to roll my own, so does she.”
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Where Is That Monkey
A lost dog wanders into a jungle. A lion spots him from a distance and thinks to himself, “That thing looks edible. I’ve never seen one of those before.”
The lion starts charging toward the dog. The dog notices and begins to panic, but just as he’s about to run, he spots a pile of bones nearby.
An idea hits him.
He looks at the bones and says loudly, “Mmm… that was some good lion meat.”
The lion abruptly stops. “Whoa,” he thinks. “This guy’s tougher than he looks. I’d better get out of here.”
Watching from a nearby tree, a monkey has seen the whole thing. He realizes he can profit from the situation by telling the lion what really happened.
The monkey catches up to the lion and tells him the truth.
Furious, the lion growls, “Get on my back. We’ll go get him together.”
The lion tears back through the jungle with the monkey riding on his back.
The dog sees them coming and panics even more. Then he gets another idea.
He looks around and yells, “Where the hell is that monkey? I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!”
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No Fuckin Chocolate
A customer walks into an ice cream shop and asks for a pint of chocolate ice cream.
The person behind the counter says, “I am sorry but we are out of chocolate ice cream, may I get you a different flavor?”
The customer thinks for a moment and asks for a quart of chocolate ice cream.
The person behind the counter says, “I am sorry but we are out of chocolate ice cream, we have no chocolate ice cream. Is there a different flavor that I can offer you?”
The customer thinks for a moment and asks for a half gallon of chocolate ice cream.
The worker’s jaw drops and they reflect on this for a moment, then ask the customer, “Can you spell the ‘van’ in vanilla?”
“What?” exclaims the customer. “What does that have to do—” The worker interrupts, “This will make sense in a moment if you spell the ‘van’ in vanilla.”
Skeptically the customer says, “Um, okay… V-A-N. But what does that have to do—” The worker interrupts, “This will make sense in a moment if you spell the ‘straw’ in strawberry.”
“What?” exclaims the customer. “What does that have to do—” The worker interrupts, “This will make sense in a moment if you spell the ‘straw’ in strawberry.”
Skeptically the customer says, “Um, okay… S-T-R-A-W. But what does that have to do—” The worker interrupts, “This will make sense in a moment if you spell the ‘fuck’ in chocolate.”
The customer thinks for a moment and exclaims, “There is no ‘fuck’ in chocolate!”
The worker replies, “Correct! That is what I have been trying to tell you — there is no fuckin’ chocolate.”
