Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump…
But that’s comparing apples to oranges.
Tone: Clever
Clever humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Bearly A Joke: Legal Trouble in the Woods
An American lawyer and his Czech brother-in-law are on a hunting vacation in Canada.
As they exit their tent, they run into a male and female bear in the middle of an intimate moment. Enraged at the interruption, the male bear roars, rears up, and, with a sudden pounce, swallows the lawyer’s brother-in-law whole!
The American runs for help, calling out for their Canadian ranger guide, who shows up with his hunting rifle. The American points at the male bear and says, “Quick! Shoot him, but be careful—my brother-in-law’s inside his belly!”
The ranger levels his hunting rifle, takes aim, and shoots the female bear dead! Startled by the shot, the male bear runs off.
The American falls to his knees, looks at the Canadian, and asks, “Why did you shoot the wrong bear?”
The ranger scoffs and says, “Did you really expect me to believe a lawyer who tells me the Czech is in the male?”
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Condom Conundrums: A Young Man’s Dilemma
A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
The pharmacist tells him they come in packs of 3, 9, or 12 and asks which he’d like.
“Well,” the young man says, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while, and she’s really hot. I think tonight’s the night. We’re having dinner with her parents, then we’re going out afterward. I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky… and once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time. Better give me the 12-pack.”
So he buys the condoms and leaves.
Later that evening, he’s sitting at dinner with the girl and her parents. He asks if he can say the blessing, and they agree.
He starts praying… and keeps praying… and praying… for several minutes.
Finally, the girl leans over and whispers, “You never told me you were such a religious person.”
He whispers back,
“You never told me your father was a pharmacist.”
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They’re calling it PaPal
Did you hear the Vatican is releasing an online payment system to absolve you of your sins?
They’re calling it PaPal. -
Refrain from dribbling again
My boss said he couldn’t talk because he was traveling.
I told him he probably needs to shoot or pass, and refrain from dribbling again.
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I didn’t know she sold flowers
My girlfriend asked why I never buy her flowers.
I told her I didn’t know she sold flowers.
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Now it’s a Ford Focus
I just dumped some Adderall in my Ford Fiesta’s gas tank…
Now it’s a Ford Focus. -
Unexpected Guests: A Night at the Farm
A Jew, a Hindu, and a lawyer are driving down a country road.
Of course, their car breaks down, and they are forced to walk. They walk for hours, and as the sun is setting, they come upon an old farmhouse. They decide to take a chance and knock on the door. An old farmer answers, and the trio explain their situation.
The farmer says, “Welp, ain’t nobody ’round here can help y’all till the morning. But y’all are welcome to spend the night here. But one of y’all is gonna have to bed down in the barn, ’cause I only got two spare beds, ya see.”
So the trio draws straws, and the Jew gets the short one. He goes out to the barn to sleep, and everyone else goes to bed.
A few minutes later, the farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens it, and the Jew is standing there. The Jew says, “I can’t sleep in the barn. There’s a pig in there. It’s forbidden for me to sleep near such a filthy animal.”
So they wake up the Hindu, and he agrees to swap places with the Jew. Everyone goes back to bed.
A few minutes later, the farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens it, and the Hindu is standing there. The Hindu says, “I can’t sleep in the barn. There’s a cow in there. I am unworthy to sleep near such a holy animal.”
So they wake up the lawyer, and he goes out to sleep in the barn. Everyone goes back to bed.
A few minutes later, the farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens it, and there’s a pig and a cow standing there.
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Watching a live stream
Why did the woman bring a remote control to the lake?
She was watching a live stream.
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He had squatter’s rights
Why didn’t the personal trainer get kicked out of his apartment?
He had squatter’s rights.
