How is the portrait of my mother coming along?
Tone: crude
Crude humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Gerbil Mishap in Hospital
In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil, Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.
Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew Kiki Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in, he explained.
As usual, Kiki shouted out Armageddon, my cue that hed had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldnt come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him.
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewskis hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbils fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball.
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
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Walmart Twins
A homely woman walks into Walmart with two children — a five-year-old boy and a ten-year-old boy.
The greeter says, “Welcome to Walmart. Your boys must be twins.”
The woman says, “What the hell makes you think they’re twins? One’s five and the other’s ten.”
The greeter replies, “I just can’t imagine anyone fucking you twice.”
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She Farted and Flew Out the Window
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a whore house. When they arrived at the house, the Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn’t going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used “blowup” dolls instead.
She put the dolls in each man’s room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.
The first man said, “I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or groaned… how was it for you?”
The second man replied, “I think mine was a witch.”
The first man asked, “How’s that?”
“Well,” said the second man, “when I nibbled on her breast… she farted and flew out the window!”
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Duct Tape and a Gerbil
Why do you have to wrap duct tape around a gerbil?
So that it doesn’t explode when you sodomize it.
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Dear Diary: A Viagra Diary
Dear Diary:
Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He’s impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn’t he tell me something I don’t know! I mean, gimme a break. He’s been dysfunctional for so long that he even walks with a limp.Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.Day 4
A miracle has happened! There’s a new drug on the market that will fix his ‘problem.’ It’s called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, ‘this time, I’d rather not have your mother join us.’ I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I’d like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. Get over yourself! Not everything is about you!Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I’m hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he’s washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn’t working. What am I gonna do?Day 11
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.Day 12
I’m basically being drilled to death. It’s like going out with a Black and Decker power tool.Day 13
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying ‘fabulous,’ and still he keeps coming after me!Day 14
Now I know how Saddam Hussein’s wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there’s a sneak attack! It’s like going to bed with a scud missile. Let’s hope he’s not like ex-President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out!Day 15
I’ve done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me sister Wendy revs his motor.Day 16
I may just have to kill him. Then he’ll go out the way he wants to… stiff! With my luck, I won’t be able to close the casket. -
Pickup Lines That Will Get You Rejected
70 pickup lines
1. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.
2. Do you want to see something swell?
3. Hey babe…do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?
4. Drop ’em!
5. What do you like for breakfast?
6. Excuse me. Do you want to fuck or should I apologize?
7. Wanna fuck like bunnies?
8. Say, did we go to different schools together?
9. Why don’t you come over here, sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up?
10. I had a friend who used to hand out phone cards that said: “Smile if you want to sleep with me.” And watch them try to hold back their laugh.
11. Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far?
12. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
13. Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again?
14. Hey baby, let’s go make some babies.
15. At the office copy machine. “Reproducing eh?” “Can I help?”
16. Would you like Gin and platonic or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
17. I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!
18. Hey babe…can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?
19. Hey babe…can you suck start a Harley?
20. Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, “I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum.”
21. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? HEY! What’s wrong, don’t you like pizza?
22. A woman asks, “Excuse me, do you have the time?” You: “Do you have the energy?”
23. Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?
24. Say mother, want another? (if she has kids)
25. Bond. James Bond.
26. Do you spit or swallow?
27. You look like the type of girl that has heard every line in the book. So what’s one more?
28. Your place or mine?
29. Nice shoes, wanna fuck?
30. You have some nice jewelry. It would look great on my nightstand.
31. Would you like to have morning coffee with me?
32. Your face or MINE!?
33. “Are you ready to go home yet?”
34. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
35. When she asks, for a match. How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?
36. Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?
37. I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out.
38. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let’s play gynecologist.
39. Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you weigh.
40. I wanna floss with your pubic hair.
41. I’m on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?
42. I’d look good on you.
43. Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?
44. I’d give you a piece of my mind, but I have more of something else.
45. I would kill or die to make love to you.
46. Sex is a killer…want to die happy?
47. I love every bone in your body – especially mine.
48. Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
49. HI! Can I buy you a car?
50. NOW, BITCH!
51. Fancy a fuck?
52. My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it.
53. Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?
54. I’m new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
55. Fuck me if I’m wrong, but isn’t your name Gretchen?
56. I’m Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?
57. Was your father a thief? ‘Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
58. Look at the tag in her shirt and say: “I want to see if you were really made in heaven.”
59. Do I know you from somewhere, because I don’t recognize you with your clothes on?
60. You got nice breasts, but what color are your nipples? Brown or Pink?
61. Do you mind if I ask you a personal question? Have you ever had your belly-button licked?…(Yes)…From the inside?
62. Your legs must be tired because you’ve been running through my mind all night.
63. If your right leg was Christmas and your left leg was Easter, would you let me spend some time up between the holidays?
64. Hi, how are you?
65. Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) ‘Cause I could see myself in your pants.
66. Really like your peaches, wanna shake your tree.
67. Hi, my name is {name}, I like peanut butter, wanna fuck?
68. I am a magical being, take off your bra.
69. Hey baby, wanna go halves on a bastard?
70. Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? (No.) Do you wanna go upstairs and talk.
71. Hold out two fingers and say: “Why should a woman masturbate with these two fingers?” (I don’t know.) “‘Cause they’re mine sweetheart.”
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Asshole Always Hurts
ME: I don’t understand why my Asshole always hurts.
Also ME: (spicy food and priest collage)
