The doctor said if i can’t find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings, I’m going to die.
I’m going to die.
Tone: dark
Dark jokes, grim memes, and humor with the lights off and the judgment missing from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Black Republican Committee
Did you bring the black guy? No… did you? I thought you had him.
DURHAM REPUBLICAN PARTY
BLACK REPUBLICAN COMMITTEE
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Rest In Peace
Wife: Babe you know if you die, I’m definitely coming with you.
Husband: I can’t even rest in peace.
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The Third Old Lady Couldnt Reach
Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench.
All of a sudden a strange man in a trench-coat walks in front of them and blatantly flashes them.
The first old lady had a stroke.
The second old lady also had a stroke.
But the third old lady couldn’t reach.
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Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part I)
The Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part I)
15. Purchase of this product does not guarantee opportunity to actually use this product.
14. Improper attachment may create choking hazard.
13. DANGER: You *do* realize he’s never going to call you after this, don’t you?
12. We call it “large,” but that’s just to make you feel better, stud.
11. This product does not prevent beer-goggle regret.
10. “Ribbed” is in no respect meant to imply any guarantee that your particular use of this object will actually result in “her pleasure.”
9. Caution: Contents should not be mixed with alcohol and high school reunions.
8. The United States Government has recommended a Constitutional Amendment banning use of this product by anyone who is single or under 18 years of age.
7. The baby you prevent with this prophylactic will forever jab your sinning ass with pitchforks in Hell.
6. Only to be used in a locked and upright position.
5. Warning: May be used by pedophile circus clowns to make balloon French poodles.
4. Using this condom for same-sex acts is inconsistent with U.S. government policy — and don’t think we’re not watching, Nancy-Boy!
3. Caution: Removal process may involve painful yanking of pubic hair.
2. Not to be taken internally unless filled with cocaine.
1. Surgeon General Warning: Cigarette smoking after use of this product has been found to cause cancer in happy, sexually satisfied laboratory animals.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ] -
Top 14 Movies About Necrophilia
The Top 14 Movies About Necrophilia
14. Driving Miss Pushing Up Daisies
13. Some Like It Cold
12. Peggy Sue Got Buried
11. People to Do in Denver Who are Dead
10. Sex, Flies and Videotape
9. Lifeless in Seattle
8. The Right Stiff
7. Dr. Jekyll and Miss Formaldehyde
6. How Stella Got Her Grave Back
5. Four Beddings at a Funeral
4. The Corpse Whisperer
3. CASketball
2. Waiting to Exhume
1. Blue Vulva -
Top 16 Worst Breakup Excuses
The Top 16 Worst Breakup Excuses
16. “Ow… I banged my head! That really hurt! Hey… who are YOU?”
15. “I’m sorry, but there just isn’t room in my life right now for both you and my vibrator.”
14. “I’ve got this disease… it’s called herpigonasyphalaids. Very contagious.”
13. “You’re too young for me. I mean, too *old*. We’re the same age? Well, that doesn’t work for me, either.”
12. “We’re just so different, you and I. You’re an extrovert, I’m an introvert. I like classical, you like heavy metal. And of course *I’m* not a physically repulsive raving psychopath.”
11. “You’ve gone from ‘sponge-worthy’ to merely ‘spongy.’”
10. “Dear Christine: By the time you read this I’ll be a woman…”
9. “I have early-onset onanism.”
8. “You’re no longer the wealthy, gullible, and desperately lonely man I fell in love with.”
7. “My penis, uh, fell off, and I, er, lost it… yeah — on the subway, I think.”
6. “Less filling? LESS FILLING??? I don’t even know who you ARE anymore!”
5. “My dog is having puppies and I need to take a year off in order to train them to attack your picture.”
4. “It’s not *you*, it’s me. Specifically, me would like to sleep with your sister.”
3. “I had lunch at the Hunan Palace today and according to the place mat, you’re a snake and I’m a mongoose.”
2. “We just don’t have anything in common anymore — you’re a morning person, and I want to see your severed head impaled on a steel railroad spike.”
1. “I’m holding you back from all the other lives you could be ruining.”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ] -
Top 13 Signs Youre Taking Your Breakup Too Hard
The Top 13 Signs You’re Taking Your Breakup Too Hard
13. The tears flow in the produce section as the sight of two perfect cantaloupes bring memories of her flooding back.
12. You keep calling his old number in the Oval Office, even though you know that new dumb guy always picks up.
11. You don’t know what you’d do if you didn’t have your dotcom stocks to console y– uh-oh.
10. You keep mailing her threatening letters because her restraining orders smell like her.
9. Even your therapist suggests that you “take the manly route of suicide.”
8. You start writing country songs… and the country is Bosnia.
7. You ask your pastor if it’s improper to have a funeral for your penis.
6. You’re too depressed to get out of bed and stalk her.
5. Keeping a stained dress: Tacky
Using it to clone an army of SuperPresidents: Creepy4. You haven’t returned any of Rupert Murdoch’s calls about appearing on “Who Wants to Catch a Multimillionaire on the Rebound?”
3. Inspired by a combination of true love and a court order, you’re always just over 50 yards away.
2. “All your albums are belong to me!”
1. You cry every time you take a leak, because *she* used to take a leak.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ] -
Check and Chuck
The FDA announced today the approval of a new birth control product. The package combines an Early Pregnancy Test kit (or EPT) with the new French abortion pill, RU-486.
The product will be marketed by Dow Chemical under the shelf name of “Check and Chuck!!”
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Hurts Doesnt It
A married guy was out getting a little “strange stuff” when he suffered a massive heart attack and died. The undertaker called his wife as he was preparing the body, saying, “Your late husband died with a tremendous erection that we can’t get to go away… What would you like us to do?”
To which she replied, “Somehow, that doesn’t surprise me… Cut it off and stuff it in his ass.”
When she went to view the body she noticed a somewhat pained expression on her deceased husband’s face as he lay in the casket. Bending over him she said softly, “Hurts, doesn’t it?”
