I only seem to get sick on weekdays.
I must have a weekend immune system.
Tone: deadpan
Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Disgruntled Employee
For the Halloween party at work this year, I went as a disgruntled employee.
The costume was simple: all I had to do was wear my regular clothes and improve my attitude.
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Best Costume
A sure-fire way to win “best costume” at the next Halloween party is to have somebody embed a real chainsaw blade into your shoulder.
Timing is crucial, though — you don’t want to pass out from loss of blood after 10 minutes, long before the costume judging begins, like I did.
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In a Nutshell
Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?
In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.
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Do You Swear? No.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
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The Pumpkin Patch
Recently, a female sheriff’s deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night.
The next day, at the Gwinnett County (Georgia) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. “You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around,” he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. “Guess I was really into it, y’know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff’s car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him. “It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said Deputy Taylor. “I walked up to Lawrence and he’s just humping away at this pumpkin.”
Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. “I said, ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having sex with a pumpkin?’”
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said, “A pumpkin? Shit… is it midnight already?”
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Brown and Rhymes with Snoop
A man got fired from his job for having sex during work hours. When his boss asked why he did it, the man replied, “I don’t know man, she was just lying there naked. I kinda got the hint so we fucked.”
He was never hired at another morgue again.
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The Hyperbole
While the Super Bowl has about seventy thousand attendees each year, the hyperbole has at least a bajillion.
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Van Gogh Coffee Table
I just bought an original Van Gogh coffee table.
I know it’s authentic because there’s a bit of veneer missing.
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Double or Nothing
A certain country was ruled by a dictator who was very paranoid. He rarely appeared in public; he preferred to send one of his many doubles.
One day, an enemy attacks the palace. The survival of the dictator is in question. The doubles await news, trembling in fear. If the dictator dies, they would be no longer useful, and with all the secrets they know, the new regime surely wouldn’t let them live.
Finally, they are called into a conference room. One of the dictator’s chief advisors enters.
“My dear doubles!” he says. “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that our beloved leader has survived the dastardly attack, and so, your services are still very much required.”
The doubles collectively sigh with relief.
Then a big man with an axe enters the room.
“Now for the bad news,” continues the advisor. “He lost an arm…”
