Tone: deadpan

Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Cock Fighting

    I just found out that cockfighting is done with chickens. That’s two years of training I’ll never get back.

  • The Classic Move

    Me: *trying the ol’ yawn/reach-around-the-shoulder trick*

    Other guy at urinal: Hey.

  • Big Tits on Babies

    My wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.

    I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.

  • Why Don’t Blind People Like to Skydive?

    Why don’t blind people like to skydive?

    Because it scares the dog.

  • I didn’t think it hurt that much

    I said to my wife, “They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience…”
    “Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn’t think it hurt that much.”

  • Parking fine

    A traffic cop went to the trouble of leaving a note under the wipers to let me know I’d positioned my car correctly…
    It said, “Parking fine.” So that was nice.

  • I can’t do anything about it

    The company I work for is knowingly making defective whistles.
    I can’t do anything about it.

  • I would appreciate it as a worm

    In my will, I’ve stated that I want my coffin to be made of aluminum foil and my body to be dipped in caramel and chocolate. I know that if I were someday reincarnated as a worm, I would appreciate it if someone had thought of that.

  • Kicking ass in the America’s Cup

    A life-size Noah’s Ark is open to the public. I’m not sure if I believe the story about the ark kicking ass in the America’s Cup yacht races.