Tone: deadpan

Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • She slowly came around

    Last night at the airport, there was a woman totally passed out on the baggage carousel.

    She slowly came around.

  • All of the seats were already taken

    Unfortunately, I showed up late to the kleptomaniacs’ conference.
    Needless to say, all of the seats were already taken.

  • It will still be stationary

    It doesn’t matter how much you push the envelope. It will still be stationary.

  • He ripped me off

    You know that guy who made the movie “Super Size Me,” in which he gained 31 pounds after eating nothing but McDonald’s food for an entire month? That dude totally ripped me off. I did it first, except he filmed it or something.

  • Stop pretending that I cared

    My wife stopped pretending to have orgasms years ago. That’s all right with me, though, because it allowed me to stop pretending that I cared.

  • Pissing Skittles

    Unfortunately, it wasn’t until after I had spent three days eating nothing but beets and asparagus, and downing enough Karo syrup to kill a horse, that I realized maybe it was actually during a dream when I came up with my super-secret formula for “pissing Skittles.”

  • Something’s messed up in the first place

    They say that if you look at the sun too long, it can fry your brain. But the way I figure it is that if you look at the sun long enough to fry your brain, something’s messed up in the first place.

  • Until somebody fixes my cable

    I’ve recently discovered how to unite gravity with the strong and weak nuclear forces and the electromagnetic force. This finally completes the much-sought-after Grand Unified Theory that confounded even Albert Einstein. But I’m not going to tell anybody what it is until somebody fixes my cable.

  • I didn’t even know he was a health nut

    I don’t really understand the popularity of this Pilate’s workout, but then, I’m not a very religious person. Hell, I didn’t even know he was a health nut.

  • The nice one with the gold sequins

    When I think back about my grandpa, I always picture him in a Wonder Woman outfit. Not his around-the-house one, but the nice one with the gold sequins.