Tone: deadpan

Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Comparing apples to oranges

    Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump…

    But that’s comparing apples to oranges.

  • We don’t want any kids

    My wife and I have decided we don’t want any kids.

    We’re going to tell them in the morning.

  • Things started to go sideways

    Everything was fine until the crabs arrived.

    That’s when things started to go sideways.

  • He was gladiator

    What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?

    Nothing. He was gladiator.

  • He couldn’t complain

    I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.
    He said he couldn’t complain.

  • Well, that didn’t work

    My wife and I were discussing our eventual deaths…

    I said my worst fear was dying alone, and that I wanted the last thing I hear to be her telling me she loves me.

    She gave me a big hug, said, “I love you,” and then waited.

    After a couple of seconds, she shook her head and said, “Well, that didn’t work.”

  • Back at work tomorrow

    A morgue worker died today.
    But he’ll be back at work tomorrow.

  • An arm and a leg

    If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, try swimming with sharks.
    It can cost you an arm and a leg.

  • It was a good trade

    I got a refrigerator for my wife today.
    It was a good trade.

  • The sky took my bike

    There’s a tornado in my area.
    The sky was so black, it took my bike.