Tone: deadpan

Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • My nose starts pointing skyward

    While I love my renewed confidence now that I had the doctor transfer pubic hair to my bald scalp, the only side effect seems to be that whenever I talk to a pretty girl, my nose starts pointing skyward.

  • A complete prick

    When I first met Richard Peter Johnson, he seemed like a decent guy, but he turned out to be a complete prick.

  • Scaring the crap out of the passengers

    It was in 1875 that my great-great-grandmother Elsa began appearing on stages throughout the Old West, and scaring the crap out of the passengers.

  • Cheese in the nose

    Instead of calling a conclusion that does not follow from the underlying logic a non sequitur, which is Latin for “it does not follow,” I think naming it for the Latin phrase for “cheese in the nose” would have made less, and thus more, sense.

  • The impotent couldn’t come

    We recently opened a shelter for the poor, needy, and the impotent.

    The poor and needy showed up, but the impotent couldn’t come.

  • Only time would tell

    The frogs looked real. In fact, I was sure they were. But could they play those little musical instruments, especially burdened by that patina of lacquer inhibiting their movement? Only time would tell, and I had all night.

  • CB Lingo 201

    I would think the hardest part of truck-driving school is CB Lingo 201. You know, the second year, where everything you say in class has to be in CB.

  • Won’t be able to hide under the bed

    If I ever get another cat, it’s going to be a big one, like a tiger or a panther. That way, if he ever gets upset and viciously scratches me across my face, the bastard won’t be able to hide under the bed.

  • A brick under the hood

    Every time I lock my keys in the car, I’m thankful I had the uncommon foresight to keep a brick stashed under the hood.