Deadpan Jokes, Memes & Dark Humor

The sky took my bike

There’s a tornado in my area.
The sky was so black, it took my bike.

I got robbed today and called the police.
The cop asked if I had a description of the assailant.
I said, “Yeah, it’s pump number 5.”

There was a safety meeting at work today…
They asked me, “What steps would you take in case of a fire?”

“Big fucking steps.”

Evidently, that was NOT the answer.

My kids asked me what I knew about Leprechauns.

I said very little.

I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me before he died:
“Are you still holding the ladder?”

I just bought a new blindfold, but I can’t see myself wearing it.

Like my Grandad always says, go the extra mile in every job that you do.
Lovely man, terrible train driver

What’s black and always in the back of a police car?
The seats.

Where can you find a horse with no legs?
Wherever you left it.

What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding half a worm.